Here Come The Sobs

OH. MY GOD. YOU GUYS.

I know it's been like two weeks, and I have so much to talk about! I could tell you all about school -- which, BTW, I should probably have written the last part of that last sentence as "... I have so much about which to talk," but whatever -- or I could tell you about work or I could tell you about my very recent truly traumatic experience at kindergarten (!!!) orientation (???) or I could tell you about how my neighbors' approximately 178 kittens have been hanging out on my porch making me pretty much The Simpsons' Crazy Cat Lady.

But.

Instead let me tell you about how a quick, spur-of-the-moment decision to play dress-up with my kid just about gave me a nervous breakdown. How about that, instead?

You may remember that approximately 142½ years ago -- okay, it was 2½ years ago, but it FEELS like it was very very long ago -- Shae was the flower girl in my sister's wedding. She wore a love white dress that was about eleventy sizes too big because she was two years old then, and the dress was a size 4T, because that was the best we could do. Shae's just about a month shy of five years old, and she's LITERALLY four feet tall now, and she wears a size 6 or a 7 because we need everything to be long enough to cover her ankles and her belly button, but I was looking for something in her armoire at bedtime -- don't ask me what, because I can't remember -- and I caught a glimpse of Ye Olde Flowere Girle Dresse out of the corner of my eye, and I know, "What the heck? Let's see if it still fits!"

  

And lo and behold,whaddaya know? It still does! It's significantly shorter than it used to be -- way back when, it went almost down to the floor, and now it's above the knees, and it looks kind of like some kind of empire-waisted babydoll thingy, and it's definitely tight in the armpits because Shae's shoulders are broader than they used to be -- but we could zip it up fine. She had room in it, even. And while she was twirling around her room and putting on her white Easter shoes from last year (the ones that definitely DON'T fit any more, and can I just tell you how much I HATE buying white shoes every Easter?), I got what I thought was a brilliant idea.

  

I got out my veil, from my wedding ensemble, which we played with before. And I don't know how it happened, I must have stopped paying attention for a second, or I blinked, or something, but when I looked again ...

  

 ... my little girl was standing there ...

  

 ... with chocolate still on her face from an ice cream sandwich she had eaten earlier ...

 

... and she was about to get married. And I needed to lie down for a while.

  

WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN AWAY?

Convergence Point

It's weird walking around campus on my way to class, and not just because I'm an ancient, elderly, crotchety old crone surrounded by nubile little 20-year-olds in their Uggs and their AE hoodies and their bare midriffs even when it's like 9° and their skinny jeans that are so tight that I want to run up to them like some kind of religious evangelical with illustrated pamphlets about the dangers of yeast infections. Because seriously.

No, that's not why things are strange, although my puffy down coat and my sensible shoes and my tendency to dress like my own grandmother are certainly not helping things. Mostly I am finding myself slightly wigged out because I keep running into people I know, people I haven't seen in a long time, and I just don't know who I'm going to run into next.

I picked this particular college for graduate school largely because their M.Ed. program is well-regarded -- my aunt, herself a teacher, is the one who recommended it -- and also in part because it is significantly less expensive than other programs I looked into, and while I may be insane, I am not stupid. Since I had to take out student loans in order to pay for everything, I couldn't really justify the higher price tag for the big deal, big name, big ticket, big city school.

Also: that other program was entirely online, and let's face it, I simply cannot be trusted to maintain my focus for any length of time when I am in such close proximity to LOLcats.

So in addition to quality, cost, and actually being in a classroom, the one other thing that I considered was location. This school is about halfway between my house and my parents', and when I have classes at night, I can get there from work in just about an hour. This is wonderful, because it means that my days don't need to be any longer than they already are. (My night classes go from 6-9 twice a week, so those days are basically 16 hours long, but at least I have time in between work and driving and class to sit down somewhere and have dinner like a civilized person.)

But one of the things I never thought to consider is that going to a local college means that there would be the distinct possibility that other people might be choosing the college for the same reasons. It's close to where I grew up -- which means it's also close to where I used to be on the Y swim team ... which may explain how it turns out that my former swimming coach from 20-some odd years ago is now my academic advisor.

It also makes it close to where a lot of my family lived at one time, and still lives ... which may explain how it turns out that one of my cousins, who I last saw 13 years ago when my husband and I were in marriage preparation class, is also a student there.

Now, it's highly likely that these things are just coincidences. I mean, I didn't grow up in that big a town, or anything. But what are the odds that of all the gin joints in all the world, so to speak, that I would run into two people from past like that within just a few days of each other? Is this place some sort of a convergence point for all the "lost memories" of my past? Who else is there that I might run into?

Pour Some Sugar On Me

I am sure that somewhere down in the deepest darkest primoridal lizard parts of my brain there is a semi-reasonable explanation for why I appear to be obsessed with taking pictures of my kid eating cake.

But even if you held a gun to my head, I don't think I could really come up with a particularly good reason.

It must be the heat, or some rare disease. (La-la-la.)

Or too much to eat, or maybe it's fleas.

All I know is, I really really like taking pictures of my kid when she is eating cake.

Probably it's because cake makes my kid happy, and my kid makes me happy, and so seeing my kid happy makes me happiest of all. Also, both cake and my kid are delicious, so.

Dept. of Redundancy Dept.

Wanna know some things I never get sick of taking (or posting) pictures of?

(1) My kid.

(2) Cupcakes.

(3) My kid, eating cupcakes.

(4) Miscellaneous.

So It's Come To This: A Clip Show

Continuing an annual tradition that didn't exist until last year, I hereby present to you the "Next Annual rockle-riffic Year In Review" -- a self-selected best-of-the-blog-in-2010 collection. Please enjoy these while I'm off eating shrimp or taking a nap or something.

• January: Open Letter and Apples and Froot Loops
• February: Snowbunny and WTF?! Friday: Panty Panic
• March: Litany of Worries and Godspeed, Little Man
• April: Farewell to an Arm and Death by Splinter
• May: Oh My Ears and Whiskers! and Wheels
• June: Ta-Tas Schma-Tas and Hakuna Matata
• July: Deliverance and Feed Me, Seymour
• August: I Used to Have a Life and Parsons, We Have a Problem
• September: Some Kind of Metaphor and Terms and Conditions
• October: Skinny Jeans and Creature of the Night
• November: Type "N" Personality and The Girl with the Split Upper Lip
• December: Welcome Christmas and Greeting Cards Have All Been Sent

Did I miss one of your favorites? Tell me in the comments. Or don't -- I don't care. I'm probably drunk right now, because it's New Year's Rockin' Eve, baby! (False: I'm most likely wrangling a small child or eleventeen. There are suddenly a WHOLE LOT of tiny little people in the family.)

Whatever you're doing today, be careful out there. See you next year! (Snerk.)

Going Full Griswold

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. My new next-door neighbors -- the ones on the detached side, not the other half of our double -- have PUT UP THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALREADY.

Seriously, I am not making this up. They only moved in three weeks ago or so. (That house has had more residents than Spinal Tap has had drummers, for serious.) We don't know their names yet. They have not introduced themselves. Clearly they don't understand the way the on-street parking works on our block, because they keep parking next to that one telephone pole that everybody knows is supposed to be my spot. And then I come home from work last night, more than a week before Thanksgiving, and I see this:

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MESS? I have nothing against Christmas lights, of course. I mean, we don't really decorate the outside of our house, primarily because I am a lazy-ass, but also because our house is kind of a pit and what's the point? You can't really polish a turd, you know? We don't live in the worst house on the street -- that honor is reserved for the house at the other end of the block that is totally dodgy -- but we definitely have a leaky front porch and a water pressure problem that makes it difficult to power-wash the moss off the steps, and so inadequate lighting is beneficial. Kind of like smearing Vaseline on the lens for an aging actress. But in theory, I don't mind when other people decorate.

How does anybody even know where their Christmas decorations are already? My husband puts our boxes of lights and ornaments away, and I have zero idea where they are. A couple of Longaberger baskets have been on the mantle for the seven years we've lived in that house. And I just won a tinsel snowman at a bitch bingo. But if I got challenged to some kind of decorating slap-fight right now, the only things I'd be able to pull together are the Lionel train and some random assorted tchotchkes that never got put away last year, like so:

Okay wait, the colored glitter balls are new. I got them at Target a couple weeks ago, because they were in the $1 section, and I was trying to decide if I wanted to go with colored ornaments this year or not. (We are. I think. But not too many, because I really like my classy elegant understated Martha-Stewart-style tree with the silver, gold, white, and clear color scheme, and I can't just jump headfirst into all these crazy colors because what if I don't actually like them? And what if they aren't trendy next year, and I can't replace them? Then what? I am telling you RIGHT NOW, I am NOT doing a black-silver-and-white tree, ever, because I am STILL bitter about the 1981 Super Bowl.)

Plus, WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN? We still have it, in its original unadorned form, from when we went apple picking. Wasn't that 100 years ago, already?

Anyway ... now I am wondering if My Anonymous Neighbors have just thrown down the gauntlet and challenged me to a decorating contest. They already have a LOT of lights up, and they keep adding. My only defense is going to be to go Full Griswold on them, and I don't want to do that if I don't have to, because my very favorite outdoor decoration is my lighted Moravian star (mine is not pictured, BTW), which pretty much sets the world standard for simple and classic holiday decorations. I love my Moravian star, and I don't want to see it sullied. But you BETTER BELIEVE that I will throw down if I have to.

Oh, be quiet, you.

So Much For That Idea

We usually do our weekly grocery shopping on Sundays, and this week was no exception. Our list was short and thanks to the time change we actually got started before 2:00 in the afternoon, so I said to my husband, "Hey, let's stop at Target before we go to the grocery store, so I can get some fiber tabs or something. And maybe some new toothbrushes. And some socks, because my feet are cold."

You can probably already guess what happened, can't you?

The good news is, our local Target is one of those supercenter ones, with the grocery department and those creepy refrigerated cabinets with the lights that turn on when you walk past them. Those things always creep me out. We just, you know, did our grocery shopping and our other shopping all the same time because hey, why not? I did at least remember to get fiber tabs, and toothbrushes, but not socks, because that was just too ourwhelming.

Our list was short. But it didn't include licorice and cheddar-and-scallion sourdough straws and pita chips and Christmas decorations -- yes, I bought Christmas decorations today when I went grocery shopping, and they are not silver, gold, or white because I am considering changing up the color scheme this year -- you can go on ahead and alert the appropriate authorities any time now -- but I at least got what I needed to make "chicky-itchy-llamas" for dinner tonight.

So there's that, I guess.

Also, only vaguely related: how come bananas at every store everywhere have the same product code? 4011. Go look. I bet your bananas have that code, too. Why? Who picked that? And what do I care? It's just one of those things that I will always worry about.

WTF?! Friday Plus Trivia: Halloweenie

I am not dressing up for Halloween this year, although I might put on my orange turtleneck to go trick-or-treating. If it's out of the wash. And if we ever figure out what, exactly, we're doing about trick-or-treating this year. Everybody is doing trick-or-treat on Sunday night, which is fine I guess, but it makes more sense to me to do it on Saturday. You know, not a school night? And not opposite "The Amazing Race"?

If I ran the world, n'at.

Shae, of course, will be a pirate. I'm looking forward to dressing her up for the Halloween parade at school, and again for the annual candy collection. Her costume is mostly finished -- I have "outsourced" her skirt to someone at work who has (and knows how to actually use) a sewing machine. The rest of the costume is waiting to be put together. I still want to get a few little things, like glitter hairspray and clip-on hoop earrings, if I can find them. We'll be ready in plenty of time.

But I'm just not that into Halloween this year. There is no particular reason, I don't think, except that I dread having all that candy in the house (too much temptation while I'm on this diet) and nobody we know is having a party. When we lived in our creepy house in the woods, up in the mountains where no one could hear you scream, we had a party, and it was a blast, but I never got around to planning anything this year.

Which is where this week's trivia comes in: these questions (which are, once again, not trivia questions, but more of an informal survey) are all about stuff that I have done, would do, or would like to do around Halloween and Halloween parties. Standard trivia rules apply. One point per question, 30 points total. How may of my answers do you think you can match?

1. Three not-especially-scary Halloween-ish movies.
2. Three scary / horror / Halloween movies.
3. Three songs that you might hear on the radio around Halloween.
4. Three things that you might do at a Halloween party besides eat candy and watch movies.
5. Three kinds of candy that come "fun-sized" at Halloween.
6. Three kinds of candy that you would always give away when you got it in your treat bag.
7. Three Halloween costumes that you have worn in the last 15 years.
8. Three writers known for scary stories.
9. Three actors or actresses that you associate with horror or monster movies.
10. Three decorations besides pumpkins that you see around Halloween.

Good luck!

Lions and Tigers and Bears (LOLwut?)

So, riddle me this.

If it didn't say "Bears" right at the top of this drawing, would you have been able to figure out what this was?

Yeah, me either.

Deliverance

I don't know which part of the story that I am about to tell you is weirder: that I actually did, in fact, attend a family picnic that included a pig head and wrestling, as I informed the whole of the Intertubes via Twitter yesterday -- or the fact that I stood there and took 100-plus pictures of it. But I swear to God, it's all true, even the part about kicking the keg. There were other people there. I have witnesses.

In our defense, it was hot yesterday. Not quite as hot it has been, but still: hot hot hot. And as everybody knows, {heat} + {alcohol} + {my enormous bananapants crazy family} = EPIC SHENANIGANS.

I mean, COME ON. These guys are (1) completely not gay, (2) related to each other, and (3) in their 30's. And yet, there they are. Wrestling. In my aunt and uncle's backyard. On purpose. For fun. At a party with a pig head. For serious. And yet I'm considered crazy. Mm-hmm.

For God's sake, there was BLEEDING. What the hell kind of people am I related to, anyway? (Answer: not-so-secretly awesome people, if possibly inbred, just a little. There ARE quite a lot of us, so no one is sure how we're all related, exactly.)

All wrestling referees should be so handsome, no?

And at least I wasn't the only one taking pictures. Although I was one of the first ... and I admit to totally being the loonball who moved around to get a better angle.

Even the kids were getting in on the action. It was surreal. And ...

(I put this jump here for the squeamish. I took a picture of the roasted pig head. I don't know why. It's strangely fascinating to me. Like, I know where my food comes from and stuff, but I don't usually get to see my bacon's face. I certainly don't get to see its teeth. So don't click if you don't want to, I won't be offended.)

WTF?! Friday PLUS Trivia: Mix Tape

Here is a true fact that probably tells you more about me than it should: I have a mix tape in my car. I made it for G when we were first dating, so it is more than 15 years old. I'm not sure whether it stands the test of time vis-á-vis other famous mix tapes in the course of history, but I think it's pretty epic.

It's a random smattering of music that I really loved at the time, and still do, mostly vaguely-to-moderately gushy and romantic, but some not. A couple of show tunes. There are, of course, two songs by the Cure on there, because I was still in my proto-emo phase in 1993-94 (I had not yet fully embraced the awesome power of grunge, except in terms of fashion, because I really could rock some ripped-up jeans and flannel). "Closer to Fine" remains one of those songs that gets more meaningful every year.

The insert was hand-written on white construction paper, and when I open the case I can still vaguely smell the Sunflowers perfume that inspired the matching colored-pencil drawing I made. Subtle, I definitely was not.

Now, I can't play it, because my tape deck has been wrecked by a bad Discman adaptor that I was using with my iPod (don't ask), but I keep it in my car anyway because it reminds me of so much. Probably I should convert that playlist to a CD, but even when I do, I will most likely still hold on to that cassette tape, because even the tape itself holds many memories.

Anyone who has seen "Say Anything" at least 147 times can tell you that all the best moments of your life have a soundtrack. So while I'm getting ready for vacation, one of the things I've been doing is working on a playlist. Probably by the time I get my books together, I will have my songs selected and sequenced. In the meantime, maybe you can make suggestions from this week's trivia: Summertime Songs, all about beach blanket bingos and cruising with the top down and stuff you find at the shore.

Can you answer the following?

1. Three songs with "Summer" in the title
2. Three songs with "Ocean(s)" or "Sea(s)" in the title
3. Three songs that mention bikinis
4. Three songs with "Hot" in the title
5. Three songs about boats
6. Three songs about surfing
7. Three songs about cars
8. Three songs by people from New Jersey
9. Three Beach Boys songs that are NOT about surfing
10. Three songs that were summertime hits in the 1980s

Standard trivia rules apply. My answers will go up in the comments on Monday after 5pm. Good luck! (And thanks in advance for the suggestions.)

WTF?! Friday PLUS Trivia: Bookworm

Now that all our vacation plans have been readjusted and reconfigured, it's time to start planning what I consider to be the most important part of any well-spent vacation: the Reading List. I mean, we're staying in a place with a washer and dryer, so basically I don't need to pack much in terms of "essentials" -- couple pairs of shorts, couple shirts, couple pairs of underpants, couple bras, toothbrush, shampoo, sunscreen. If I do it right, I can fit all that stuff in a gallon-size Ziploc bag. That leaves plenty of room in our trunk for books.

On one of the best vacations we ever had (when we went to Acapulco and found a scorpion in the bathtub), I read 10 books in 6 days. I am not making this up. The resort was mostly deserted, the pineapple and mango were fresh-cut every day, the rum drinks were stellar, the pool was perfectly situated within stumbling distance of the ocean, and so we basically sat around reading. It was divine. I am not the only person going on this trip who feels that a nice supply of books is a necessary ingredient of a delicious vacation.

Not counting the book I am reading righthisecond, which will definitely be finished before the end of the month (and probably by the end of the weekend, actually), I have three books in my queue. I'm going to run out of inventory before we leave, and will need to replenish the supply. Sometimes I ask Amazon to suggest some stuff for me based on what it already knows I like (because Amazon owns my soul), but sometimes ... well, let's just say that I tried to like The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, but things just didn't work out between us.

What else can I do? I checked out some of the titles on NPR's summer booklist, but as spectacularly nerdulent as I am, not many of these books sound very ... er, exciting? Just based on the titles alone, the list is a little too highbrow for me. And I should have remembered that I only ever got one good book recommendation from NPR anyway: The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins, which I read last year. Loved that, and the sequel. The rest? Eh.

(Don't even get me started on Oprah's book club selections. I've read two, and that was probably two too many, not counting the actual classics that I read in college anyway.)

All of this is a long was of saying: I have a lot of book shopping to do in the coming weeks. And while I do that, let me get into this week's trivia, which is all about books.

(Oh, and by the way, I realize that my "trivia" is really more like a game of "Scattergories" or "Stump the Schwab" or something, but too bad.)

Can you answer the following?

1. Three mystery authors
2. Three romance authors
3. Three horror or thriller authors
4. Three nonfiction or memoir writers
5. Three sci-fi, fantasy, or "occult" writers
6. Three books about the beach or set at the seashore
7. Three books about stuff that happens to someone on vacation or while traveling
8. Three books about places to visit
9. Three books that were made into movies
10. Three books that were mentioned or appeared in the TV show "Lost"

Standard trivia rules apply. My answers will be posted in comments late on Monday (after 5pm). Your answers might become suggestions for me, so make them good ones. Good luck!

The Rachel ZOMG Project

Have you guys ever heard of celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe? Have you ever seen her TV show on Bravo? Did you ever consider, just for the sake of entertainment, subscribing to her daily newsletter, where she sends out fashion and styling tips that almost always feature some kind of ridiculously expensive thing, like "summer booties" that have 6" heels and are made out of gold lamé, chain mail, and kitten fur, or, to cite another recent example, designer leather cargo pants that cost $6,450? Seriously, check it out -- it is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Anyway. Every once in a while she puts together these "special report" guides to what she thinks you need for the season. Sometimes there is some cute stuff, sometimes there is some really weird stuff, sometimes there is stuff that costs more than the mortgage to my house. None of it fits me, of course, because I am not the same shape and weight as an asparagus, but everybody's got their something.

Why am I giving her all this free advertising? I don't know, really. She fascinates me in the same way that a train wreck or a giant fish tank filled with starving rabid piranha eating a cow might fascinate me. I can't wear any of the clothes she ever recommends -- she deals primarily in couture designers, so nothing comes bigger than a size 6 anyway, and when she makes a "real world" alternate suggestion, it's for an $800 knockoff of a $10,000 rug, and even that is out of my price range, you know? And I won't necessarily go so far as to say that she is outright tacky, but ... well, she's not always my style. Let's leave it at that.

She kind of inspires me in some weird way, though, so I have put together my very first "ZOMG Report" by me, Rachel ZOMG. We'll call this collection "Swing Set Summer," my own version of RZ's "Jet Set Summer" collection, and I'm featuring all the absolute must-haves for a preschooler on her way to the pool this summer:

"Your summer 'uniform' should be brightly colored to show the world how happy you are, but pack a T-shirt in your bag to cover up when the sun gets too hot."

"Earn your wrinkles the old-fashioned way: by laughing! Look great while protecting yourself from the sun's harmful rays. Yard-sale vintage accessories are always in."

"Keep your pedicure neat and protect your polish poolside with these snazzy water sandals. Use the squirter to keep yourself cool while you walk along the beach letting everyone admire your sun-kissed glow."

"Dry off, and then dry out ... and keep warm with this snuggly cover-up poncho that features ironic snow-skiing illustrations. One of the best yard-sale finds ever. I DIE!"

"Hold yourself (and your stuff) together with this totally cute bag that is big enough to hold all your necessities, with room to spare for books and games."

=====

Hey, maybe this celebrity stylist gig isn't so bad after all. Anybody know any famous people who shop at Target and Dollar General? I have a pitch for them.

LOST (In The Backyard Because The Neighbors Apparently Don't Have A Mower)

Oh, you thought I was going to recap the series finale of LOST, did you? HAHAHAHA no. Because you know what? Do your own homework. This show is a piece of work and a piece of art and last night it totally gave me peace of mind, and that is all I will say. I really liked the ending, and I found out what happened to the dog. Good enough for now. We can talk about it in a couple of weeks, once I've watched everything from beginning to end again.

Also: call me, Daniel Faraday!

Instead I have some pictures from the weekend, when Shae and I spent about 15 minutes outside, getting in some camping practice.

Fifteen minutes was enough time to help me decide that I definitely need to go back and add "copious amounts of Valium" to the list of foodstuffs we need to pack for our trip. I think I'll add it to the columns for breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND snacks.

We haven't decided yet whether we're packing this Barbie tent to bring with us, or what. On the one hand, it's so very vomitously pink and flowery and I have no idea why, but Shae thinks this is a "princess tent." AS IF. But on the other hand, she does seem to like it. Maybe it's a nice hangout for reading books and doing puzzles or playing hide-and-seek or something. But on yet another hand, it's an extra thing to pack, so I just don't know.

I might have mentioned this before (and I can't find it now), but I am not overly fond either set of our next-door neighbors. There's no particular reason why, except they're not especially nice, and they keep stealing my parking space. Also, they don't really take care of their yard, as evidenced by these pictures of their "lawn."

PEOPLE: They finally cut their grass late on Saturday, but before that, they hadn't mowed since AUGUST 2009. I swear I am not making this up. Their grass was like 2½' high over there. The roses were getting swallowed whole. It was embarrassing. I think the only reason why they mowed this time is because they got a citation from the borough.

WTF?! Friday PLUS Trivia: Multitudes

The WTF? portion of this post is pretty quick: can someone please tell me who or what a "Justin Bieber" is, and what one is used for? I don't understand. I suspect this is because I am old. Does not mean that I can't appreciate this website (MOM DO NOT CLICK AT WORK OR PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU'RE WEIRD), even though it does not do much to help relieve me of my Bieber ignorance.

==========

And now, trivia. Inspired by the research I did yesterday, when I was trying to find the plural noun for ducks. I had always thought the word for more than one duck was different than "badling." I went through this phase where I was really into knowing the specific words for animal groups, for some reason -- I believe there may have been a mid-80's-style Banana Republic T-shirt involved at one point -- and I even got a book about it for Christmas not that long ago. Fascinating read, if you are a humongous nerd, as I am.

Anyway: can you answer the following?

1. Three names for groups of four-legged farm animals
2. Three names for groups of wild cats
3. Three names for groups of insects
4. Three names for groups of forest or woodland mammals
5. Three names for groups of primates
6. Three names for groups of animals you might see on a safari (not wild cats)
7. Three names for groups of reptiles or amphibians
8. Three names for groups of sea animals (not waterfowl)
9. Three names for groups of waterfowl or seabirds
10. Three names for groups of other birds

Standard trivia rules apply: to wit, no Google and no cheating. This went up late, so I'll post my answers on Tuesday 5/18 after 5pm. Good luck!

=====

Edited 05/20/10 @ 2:05 PM: My answers are posted in the comments. Sorry for the lateness! Am slackass.

... And Now A Word From The Voices In My Head

There has not been a whole lot going on in my life these days, and the weather just finally turned nice starting today, so while I was trying to invent some blog content for today, I decided to send some questions to myself via the pretty little Formspring box over yonder, and then answer them, and post the answers here. I submitted the questions yesterday, and then the Internet broke or something, I don't know, it was all technical and involved wires I think, so I wasn't able to answer myself until today. Overnight some of the answers changed, except for one. So that question goes first, and then the rest are in pretty much random order.

Can we see pictures of the infamous backpack?
     No.

So how come nobody is asking you any questions?
     I don't know. I blame the previous administration, the unusually high pollen counts, and the fact that I am butternuts crazy. Also, probably nobody even knows what Formspring even is. I'm not sure I do, and I'm the one with the stinkin' widget on my blog.

Would you rather be a famous musician or a famous actor?
     Who says I can't be both? Oh, but wait -- do we consider "kazoo players" to be musicians? And do we consider "comediennes" to be actors? Because that's what I want to be -- a world-famous kazoo-playing comedienne with her own musical variety show. And while I'm dreaming, my first and most favoritest guest will be Kristin Chenoweth, and she will be on my show at least once a quarter, and she will sing and I will play the kazoo and we will dance, dance, dance and it will be AWESOME.
     C'mon -- you KNOW you want to watch that show. The cast of "Glee" will be our house band, and we'll have a dunk tank.

{Ed. Note: The above question was a random, Formspring-generated question that popped up while I was waiting for my anonymously-self-submitted questions to appear in my inbox. It's completely coincidental that the question which immediately follows is tangentially related.}

If you could be on any TV show, past or present, what show would it be?
     Since this is my own fake question, I am going to amend it thusly: "... TV show, past or present OR FUTURE, what show ..."
     Because the show I would be on does not yet exist, because I just invented it in my head last night while I was watching "Glee" to relax from my nerdrage over something stupid that happened in World of Warcraft.
     (Yes, I still play that game. Because virtually blowing stuff up and melting off faces from time to time is FUN, yo. Don't you judge me.)
     Anyway, if I could be on any TV show, it would my own rockle-branded musical variety reality show. (See above question, also.)
     Plus there would be monkeys. Monkeys in the dunk tank.

What is the funniest thing you've seen on the internet this week?
     Oh, man, it was the thing with Twitter, Temerity Jane, and the "baby rabies." Probably because just the term "baby rabies" is hysterical. Admit it. {Ed. Note: That linked TJ blog post does not actually contain the words "baby rabies" -- that shows up in the comments -- but anyway. It's a long post, and maybe not all that interesting to most, but I thought it was a great piece. And the comments are classic.}
     I know what the phrase is actually referring to, but in my head I picture an army of tiny little mammals -- baby humans, bats, puppies, raccoons, etc. -- in their diapers, toddling around, foaming at the mouth, trying to snuggle you to death.
     And it's just a whole lot of fun to say it over and over again: "Baby rabies, baby rabies, baby rabies, baby rabies."

Really? You're not going to let us see pictures of the backpack?
     Okay, FINE. Here.

This is a comparison of the new backpack (on the right) with the old backpack. As you can see, the new one is taller and a bit thinner, but it's "deeper" and it also has all kinds of straps and stuff so that it will stay up if Shae ever takes it hiking or something. The penguin bag is more of a bookbag.

And here is the backpack in action. Well, in "action," since we put it on over our pajamas. You can see that it's a perfect size for her -- maybe a leetle on the big side, but she'll grow into it. It's got a lot of zippers and gewgaws and whatnots and a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. Oh, and a whistle. She already loves it and keeps all her "cool stuff" in it, like her map that I printed at work.

And her paper-towel-tube spyglass. (She uses the toilet paper tubes as megaphones, but she calls them "saxophones." Haha.)

Anyway, if you ever have a totally random question that you want me to answer, you can always leave it in the comments, or you can type it in that there Formspring box over there and I'll answer it for you. Or, I'll try to. Or maybe I'll make something up.

What's the Matter with Kids Today?

You've heard the song before: "Kids! I don't know what's wrong with these kids today! ... Noisy crazy dirty lazy loafers!" I mean, really, this is what passes for an "egg hunt" these days:

How are we supposed to build character in our children if we can't even properly hide Easter eggs any more? I fear very greatly for the children who have a hard time finding these eggs. Probably they'll end up in Congress or something instead of having a real job.

I kid, I kid. We had a great time. Shae likes running around outside, and it was cold on Saturday morning, but sunny and clear, so it wasn't so bad. We got a lot of eggs, and she won 3rd prize, which is a giant chocolate rabbit that I swear is a foot high. (She won't be eating that.)

While we wouldn't sit on the Easter bunny's lap directly, Shae at least got bunny-adjacent. I suspect this is because this bunny is not nearly as creepy and Donnie-Darko-looking as some of the other bunnies I've seen. I'll take what I can get.

And of course there were goody bags. I don't even know what was in them besides a juice box. We went to my grandmother's after the egg hunt and Shae was very generous in sharing her prizes. She's great like that.

This is My Anonymous Mother. She went down a sliding board. And took her purse with her. Because OF COURSE SHE DID. "Kids! They are just impossible to control! ... Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way? What's the matter with kids today?"