Open Letter to Certain Philadelphia Eagles Fans

WARNING! Really bad language. Sorry, but I'm really mad.

Dear "fans,"

Look, I already know you're not going to read this, so I don't know why I bother, except for that if I don't say something I'll never be able to live with myself. For the benefit of your short attention spans and your need for instant gratification, let me get the gist of this message out of the way, and then I can circle back around: STFU. GTFO. DIAF.

And now, to be more explicit: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Honest to Christ, you would think that losing a football game is absolutely the worst damn thing in the world to happen, like the future of all of humanity depends on what happens on any given Sunday. You act like this has never happened before, and worse than that, you think it's perfectly acceptable to piss and moan and act like the world owes you something.

Well, let me tell you -- and I'll use your own idiom here, so that everything is perfectly clear -- ain't nobody owe you shit.

You know why people don't like us Eagles fans? It's not because of the snowball fights, or throwing batteries, or Santagate, or any of that nonsense. It's not because we had a drunk tank and a judge in the bowels of the Vet, or even that we needed one. It's not the accent or the "New York bias" or any of that nonsense.

No, it's the fucked-up "Alice in Wonderland" bullshit, where one thing goes wrong and all of the sudden you're all completely off the rails, like the Red Queen running around screaming "Off with their heads!" You're totally nutso. Bonkers. Crazypants monkeyshit insane.

Look, you can blame McNabb if you want, just like you always do. Go ahead, blame him for everything -- riots, fires, mudslides, tsunamis, heartburn, cancer, and global warning. God knows you will anyway, even without my permission. But perhaps you are forgetting about the 10 other guys on the field. The O-line that didn't block when they should have. The receivers who couldn't get open. The backs who weren't fast enough, or agile enough, or whatever enough.

And what about the defense? They failed to stop the pass once in a while. They didn't stop the run. They didn't hold on to all those potential INT's, didn't make the sacks, didn't make those game-changing moves that would have turned the tide, shifted the momentum, made all the difference.

The coaches? Don't even get me started. The refs? Ridiculous. The cheerleaders? Not nearly cheery enough. The beer? Not cold enough. The hot dogs? ... You see where I am going? You are looking for one thing, one person, one reason, and there isn't one. You want a crusade, because you can't accept that maybe this wasn't our year. Sometimes it isn't. Instead, you need to be all Don Quixote, tilting at windmills in your mind, and nobody told you that your Dulcinea is a whore.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point, an endless series of pointless arguments using logic and reason and rationality, but you know what? Most of you are brainless, idiotic boors. You wouldn't know a good player or a good person if one bit you on the ass. You have Donovan McNabb, who might not be "money" but is certainly class, and you'd rather have Michael Vick. MICHAEL FUCKING VICK. The dogfighter. The felon.

You people make no goddamn sense. You want to be martyrs, but you want blood too.

What I am getting at is this: you dumbasses don't deserve a good football team. You have one, and you don't appreciate it, so you don't deserve one. I hate Andy Reid, and I am saying he is too good for you -- chew on that for a minute. The fact that Brian Westbrook sullies himself to entertain the likes of you douchenozzles is proof positive that he is a far better person that I am, a veritable saint among men, who deserves a statue of his own downtown next to Rocky.

Seriously, I think I quit this bitch. And it kills me to do it, because I love the Eagles. It's not them, and it's not me -- it's you. I'm done. I'm out. I'm kind of glad the season is over, because I need a lot of therapy to get myself back together. And I suspect that when all is said and done, there is going to be one less Eagles fan next year. And not because I don't love the Eagles, but because I can't stand to be one of your ilk any more.

You know who you are, and I hope you're all proud of yourselves. Have a nice life, or don't -- see if I give two shits. STFU. GTFO. DIAF.

xoxo, rockle.

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Update, 2:26 PM: Oh, Internets. Just when I had just about given up hope -- along come the few, the proud, the brave, the ones who agree with me. I disagree almost entirely with this article (primarily because I have come to the realization that I am, above all else, a McNabb Man, and whither he goest, so shall I go), but please allow me to draw your attention to the comments. Very little froth and foaming, and some actual and sensible reasoned posting. Thank you, Commenters at The700Level! Mwah!

HOWEVER. Most Eagles fans just suck out loud today, and they can, as I previously stated, STFU, GTFO, and DIAF.