OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. My new next-door neighbors -- the ones on the detached side, not the other half of our double -- have PUT UP THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALREADY.
Seriously, I am not making this up. They only moved in three weeks ago or so. (That house has had more residents than Spinal Tap has had drummers, for serious.) We don't know their names yet. They have not introduced themselves. Clearly they don't understand the way the on-street parking works on our block, because they keep parking next to that one telephone pole that everybody knows is supposed to be my spot. And then I come home from work last night, more than a week before Thanksgiving, and I see this:
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MESS? I have nothing against Christmas lights, of course. I mean, we don't really decorate the outside of our house, primarily because I am a lazy-ass, but also because our house is kind of a pit and what's the point? You can't really polish a turd, you know? We don't live in the worst house on the street -- that honor is reserved for the house at the other end of the block that is totally dodgy -- but we definitely have a leaky front porch and a water pressure problem that makes it difficult to power-wash the moss off the steps, and so inadequate lighting is beneficial. Kind of like smearing Vaseline on the lens for an aging actress. But in theory, I don't mind when other people decorate.
How does anybody even know where their Christmas decorations are already? My husband puts our boxes of lights and ornaments away, and I have zero idea where they are. A couple of Longaberger baskets have been on the mantle for the seven years we've lived in that house. And I just won a tinsel snowman at a bitch bingo. But if I got challenged to some kind of decorating slap-fight right now, the only things I'd be able to pull together are the Lionel train and some random assorted tchotchkes that never got put away last year, like so:
Okay wait, the colored glitter balls are new. I got them at Target a couple weeks ago, because they were in the $1 section, and I was trying to decide if I wanted to go with colored ornaments this year or not. (We are. I think. But not too many, because I really like my classy elegant understated Martha-Stewart-style tree with the silver, gold, white, and clear color scheme, and I can't just jump headfirst into all these crazy colors because what if I don't actually like them? And what if they aren't trendy next year, and I can't replace them? Then what? I am telling you RIGHT NOW, I am NOT doing a black-silver-and-white tree, ever, because I am STILL bitter about the 1981 Super Bowl.)
Plus, WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN? We still have it, in its original unadorned form, from when we went apple picking. Wasn't that 100 years ago, already?
Anyway ... now I am wondering if My Anonymous Neighbors have just thrown down the gauntlet and challenged me to a decorating contest. They already have a LOT of lights up, and they keep adding. My only defense is going to be to go Full Griswold on them, and I don't want to do that if I don't have to, because my very favorite outdoor decoration is my lighted Moravian star (mine is not pictured, BTW), which pretty much sets the world standard for simple and classic holiday decorations. I love my Moravian star, and I don't want to see it sullied. But you BETTER BELIEVE that I will throw down if I have to.
Oh, be quiet, you.