Dancing with the Dorks

I admit to watching almost every competitive reality program on television -- my on-again-off-again love affair with "Survivor" goes back to Season 2 in Australia, and I keep lobbying friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, random strangers on the Internet, etc., to be on "The Amazing Race" with me, and the number of text-message votes I have cast for "American Idol" borders on the irrational, just to give you a few examples -- but I have never really gotten into "Dancing with the Stars."

I'm not sure why, because I'm pretty sure that I am exactly the target audience for that show. I mean, why wouldn't I be? I enjoy dancing, corny jokes, people acting like fools on national TV, dinging gaydar, handsome Russians, perky Mormons, that wacky Bruno guy (especially when he appears on "The Soup"), swirly skirts, tuxedo unitards, and of course glitter, plus I find Tom Bergeron to be basically inoffensive as it appears the Constitution requires, so this show should be right up my alley. Except ...


... except it seems like every season, ABC casts someone on this show that annoys me so much that if I see them on my screen for more than four seconds, I am practically overcome by the urge to throw heavy, preferably explosive objects at my television. Which is not good, because homeowner's insurance doesn't cover that kind of damage.

In Season One, it was John O'Hurley, who I eventually came around to adore, but who at the time I thought was a pompous turd. In Season Two, it was Master P (love his work, hate his attitude). In Season Three, it was Tucker Carlson and Shanna Moakler. In Season Four, it was Heather Mills. Season Five? Mark Cuban. Season Six? Adam Corolla. Season Seven? Kim Kardashian and Warren Sapp. Season Eight? Denise Richards, Steve-O, Lawrence Taylor, and Lil Kim. Season Nine? Not even my love for Kelly Osborne (or my secret crush on Donny Osmond) could get me to watch Macy Gray, Tom DeLay, or Michael Irvin, plus I think Aaron Carter could use a good swift kick in the 'nards.

Now they have announced the cast for Season Ten, and my head nearly exploded, which is frankly astounding, because not even what is going on with "Survivor" this season made me this apoplectic.

And remember, I DON'T EVEN WATCH "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

Buzz Aldrin? Really? Dude, you walked on the moon. You're too good for this crap. I hope you surprise us all by making it more than two weeks and then announcing that you and your lovely wife have secretly been taking ballroom dancing lessons together for years, because that would be awesome.

Pamela Anderson? Her primary qualifications for this show appear to be her ability to remain vertical while wearing tranny shoes and wearing really ugly, skimpy clothes. That's it, I think. (Remember when she was the tool girl on "Home Improvement" and she was a sweet and cute then? What the hell happened? Besides Tommy Lee, I mean.)

Evan Lysacek? Well, this one kind of makes sense, since he's a figure skater (and his ex is Tanith Belbin, an ice dancer). But I just want to remind you all that he's no Apolo Ohno and he's definitely no Johnny Weir, and I don't care if Vera Wang did design that goofy snake outfit he wore in the Olympics -- it was still hideous.

Erin Andrews? Who? They always have to put an ESPN "personality" in here, don't they? I wish they would pick an ESPN "personality" who actually HAD a personality. Although I feel a little bad for her because that pervert took those videos of her. And at least she isn't Linda Cohn. *shudders*

Shannen Doherty? YESSS. Somebody might get stabbed. Now THAT I would pay large American dollars to watch. And I am kind of interested in seeing her doing an angry tango or a wicked paso doble. I'm betting she could rock some flamenco garb. (Oh, and her ex-husband Ashley Hamilton was on last season.)

Jake Pavelka? Aren't you, like, the douchiest "Bachelor" ever? (Correct answer: Yes.) Go away.

Kate Gosselin? WHO IS WATCHING THE CHILDREN? Please tell me you are not leaving them with Jon or any of his "lady"friends. Also, get a real job, please. Also, STFU and GTFO. (This is the point at which I decided that no matter how much I might love any other cast members, I absolutely cannot watch this show, because I cannot abide Kate Gosselin. At all.)

Chad Ochocinco? You will never be forgiven for screwing up my fantasy football team, you talentless hack.

Aiden Turner? Who? (Don't watch soaps, sorry.) However, you are pretty, so you may stay.

Niecy Nash? Another great big giant YESSS. You guys, I already watch Niecy clean houses, and I would watch her fold laundry and shine shoes, too, because she is THE SHIT. Seriously. LOVE HER. She was a guest judge on "RuPaul's Drag Race" this season, too, so she is 100% all right in my book. Call me, Niecy! I have flowers!

Nicole Scherzinger? Aren't you, like, already a dancer for a living? Well, OK, technically a stripper (she is/was a Pussycat Doll), but still. Also, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to find pictures of you full dressed on the Internet? Your mother must be very proud.

I'm not even going to guess who might win. Olympic athletes seem to have an advantage in this area, winning three times (Apolo Ohno, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Shawn Johnson), with athletes in general faring quite well also (football players and race car drivers, especially). Being in a boy band or girl group doesn't hurt, either. Old guys don't usually last very long, and neither do people that others love to hate. So it looks good for Evan, Nicole, 85 (if he keeps his mouth shut), and hopefully Miss Niecy.

Although I don't know why I'm still talking about this, because honestly, I'm not even going to watch this. I'm going to be tuned into Logo, watching a bunch of drag queens lip synch ... FOR THEIR LIVES! Which is so much more fabulous anyway. And the dancing is better.