Tell Me Something Good

Okay, look ... I'm having a "spell" right now. There is a lot of crap going on in my life, most of which does not even involve me, but I am such a narcissist* that of course it's all stressing me out. I've been grouchy, cranky, tired, irritable, and miserable. Like PMS on steroids, except it's been going on too long to actually be PMS. Dammit.

Here's how bad it is -- yesterday I started a blog post that contained this little nugget of bullshit**:

But sometimes, sometimes I am whacked upside the head by the depression, when it comes. Sometimes it is very insistent, no matter what I do to fend it off. Sometimes it consumes me until I find myself paralyzed by white-hot fury and uncontrollable sadness, when everything comes in a swirl of words and colors and shapes and emotions that don't make any sense, when I can't catch my breath or shut off my brain or find my center.

Blah-blah-blah. It went on from there. I mean, seriously, could I be a bigger asshole***? You don't read my blog because you want to hear about my stupid little problems that, frankly, could be resolved by drinking a lot of tequila, taking a handful Xanax, and sleeping for a week in a nice padded room.

Of course, cracking jokes about how I am in the middle of a emotional trough doesn't actually make me feel better either. But you know what does? Finding pictures on your camera that were supposed to be "throwaways," that actually turned out to be pretty OK. So OK, in fact, that I haven't even processed these, just uploaded them:


I especially like that last picture, where she is so clearly trying to suppress a giggle, and failing miserably. Obviously we were having more fun playing near the curtains this time then we were that one time, when I couldn't get her to smile.

Parenting is rough, and parenting a two-year-old is complete insanity, and that is part of what I am so stressed out about****, but there are moments when nothing makes me happier than this kid. Nothing. That's a lot of pressure for such a small person, but I think we'll work it out together.

* = Not really. Neurotic and overly involved in other people's business, but not actually a narcissist. I just play one on the Internet.
** = Actually, that is how I feel, but I don't want to cause my dozen of regular readers to jump off a bridge or anything. Post has been deleted.
*** = Yes. Yes, I probably could. Would you like me to try?
**** = That, and THIRTY-SEVEN THOUSAND other things, like my husband's unemployment and my grandparents' health and my sister's wedding and the price of tea in China and what I'm going to have for dinner and whether I want to keep playing WoW or if I should just flush my money down the toilet.


  1. i know you are trying to be entertaining but...go see someone or find someone who can help i don't want to lose you and you either can or can not beat this yourself i love you

  2. i will be fine, eventually ... the wedding is in just two more weeks, and after that i have a couple days off with nothing planned. i need to get more rest and eat better and stop worrying about stuff that i can't do anything about ... but of course that is easier said than done.

  3. hhmmm, I do believe we might be long lost rather distant relatives.

    When the depression takes hold and the river floods, there isn't much you can do except wait for the waters to recede.

    Take heart. I know you can't see it in the trough, but I go through the same thing, and I always come out the other side ok.

    I'll say a prayer for you. Sometimes it helps to know that others are thinking warm thoughts and praying for your peace.

  4. well, i'm glad you changed your background, because the other one was very hard to read and this one is much better. (the one that looks like a page of graph paper torn out of a notebook.)

    love you!

  5. lol thank you -- i got a boycott threat. i like this better -- somehow it's more "me."

  6. Jaime just likes it becausae it is graph paper. I like it because it is you. I second your Mom's statement but maybe not so strongly. See you in a coupla weeks, God willing.