OMG, WTF?

Spotted: a once-sparkling gem of the Upper East Side, now slumming it, acting the fool, and generally making a hot ghetto mess of herself. Careful, GG, or you're going to lose your coveted slot in my TiVo season pass list as quickly as you lost your luster.

Let me assure you, I do not use the term "hot ghetto mess" loosely when it comes to television shows. I am the Queen of Trash Television. Every reality show that minces down the pike gets at least one episode's worth of my undivided attention. Survivor? Check. Flava of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York? Check. Celebrity Rehab? Check. RuPaul's Drag Race? Oh my God, hell yes, check!

I have also dedicated valuable TiVo space to other, non-reality shows that people hate / hated: Big Shots. Two and a Half Men. Prison Break, for three whole seasons. So, really, I like to consider myself a connossieur of "zhe gahrbahge." I watch it all. I do not discriminate. The crappier the show, the more likely I am to watch it (except "The Hills" or and of its evil undead offspring because: Spencer Pratt and his creepy flesh-colored beard).

But I don't really know how to feel about a show that used to be so very, very good, and so very, very naughty, and so very, very trashy, and which has recently become so very, very ... not. Like Gossip Girl has. "Disappointed" does not even begin to cover it.

Not sure whether you watch Gossip Girl, but here is the very-brief summary of the beginning: Serena van der Woodsen is a bad girl gone good. She disappeared for a while under mysterious circumstances, and then came back with a new attitude and a new lease on life, and some old secrets that she is not ready to share. Her old BFF is pissed, her new BF is suspicious, and everyone else only knows part of the story. Plus, there is Chuck Bass, who is possibly the root of all evil on the Upper East Side. Oh, and did I mention these kids are all in high school? And completely, sickeningly rich?

For the entire first season, we gradually uncovered Serena's secrets. She was an addict -- drink and drugs. She slept with her best friend's boyfriend, and well as pretty much everyone else. The friend never knew, but Chuck Bass did. She was blackmailed, told the truth anyway, had to make things right with her friend, had to get her boyfriend to start trusting her, had to clean up her act and get her life together ...

... then the writer's strike came, and when everyone went back to work, things got ... weird. Georgina Sparks appeared, an old co-conspirator of Serena's, and she tried to get Serena to stray from the path of righteousness. She tried to steal Serena's boyfriend, starting spreading lies and half-truths, sowed seeds of distrust and distaste everywhere. We found out Serena killed a guy, except she didn't, and we found out Serena's brother is gay, and we also found out that Serena's mom and her on-again-off-again-always-true-love-of-her-life boyfriend's father were former lovers who were almost married. Still following?

And then the season ended. And when we came back -- wait, WTF? Serena and Dan broke up? Now Dan's ex-GF and Serena's BFF's-ex-BF are together? And the BFF and Chuck are doing whatever they're doing? And Serena's mom is married to Chuck's dad, but she's still horny for Dan's dad, and just what in the holy hell is going on here? And why are we in the Hamptons for some reason, where nothing in this show has happened before, and we are dealing with people that we never saw before, and who we won't see again after the third episode?

Listen: these shenanigans have got to stop. At this point, about halfway through the second season, we have discovered that: Serena's mom and Dan's dad have a kid together, which Dan's dad never knew about because Serena's mom went to Boston to put him up for adoption, which makes Dan and Serena kind of related, which makes their sleeping together completely gross; and Chuck's dad is dead and maybe was a member of some weird secret swingers' club, or maybe he isn't dead after all, but nobody really knows; and Blair is trying to get into Yale but she's a complete bitch and everybody hates her and personally I don't really see why she's such a big deal either but anyway she keeps acting stupid and getting caught and she's in love with Chuck and oh my God are we there yet?

So I'm getting confused -- which is saying a LOT because I also watch Lost and hello have you met my boyfriend Daniel Faraday? -- and also bored. And so the point of all this is this:

Dear Gossip Girl,
Act right, or you're gonna get smacked right. OK?
You know I love you.
XOXO!

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Added after the fact -- If you don't actually watch Gossip Girl, this pictogram from Wordle will make about as much sense as the rest of this post anyway, plus it's pretty: