All I Can Do Is Write About It

So ... resolutions. We're already week into the new year and I haven't come up with any yet. This is in large part because I suck at life, but also because I suck at keeping my own resolutions that I haven't even committed to paper yet. Dumbass. Oh, look, there's another resolution I've broken! Dear God in heaven, I am a freaking moron. But I pretty much expected this anyway, and if I have learned only one thing in my 35 years on this planet, it is that I am notoriously bad at sticking to things (except husbands, apparently).

I think everybody kind of resents making New Year's resolutions, at least a little bit. It's tough enough to face the hangover from cheap champagne and too much crab dip, but it's tougher still to face the realization that you're imperfect in so many ways and that pretty much everything about yourself needs to change or else: Doom! Foreboding! Recession! Armageddon! Riots! Fires! Mudslides! Sushi in the mall! Or maybe that's just me -- I am kind of a worst-case-scenario sort of thinker, which certainly makes my messianic tendencies ... interesting.

But tough as it is, I actually want to confront what is wrong with me this year -- well, some of what is wrong with me, anyway. Going head-to-head with my demons is a very frightening prospect if I jump right into the deep water, and it would end up taking me to a very dark, dank place that I am not yet fully ready to visit. (Illidan: "You are not prepared.") And I know this much: I am NOT going to jump into that whirlpool just yet, because I'm not sure whether I can swim back out right now. I need to do what I can right now, and save some battles for another day.

Maybe I can't chase all the monsters from under my bed in one year, but if I do this right, maybe I can get those goblins to look more like Sulley and less like ... I don't know, that clown from "It" or something. (What? Clowns creep me right the fuck out.)

Taking all that into consideration, and also keeping in mind that I really wanted to come up with some resolutions that are (1) possible for me to keep, and also (2) potentially going to make a good story if I fail spectacularly, I have come up with this sad little list of things that I want to work on this year. Yes, these are primarily superficial. Yes, these are probably a pathetic attempt at polishing the giant turd that is my life sometimes. But you know what? Baby steps, grasshopper: change your environment, change your outlook, change your life. Maybe. At least try.

And anyway, this is only Part One. (Oh my God, do I ever shut up?)

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(1) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO CLEAN MY ROOM. I put this at the top of the list because it's probably the most horrifying, difficult, and embarrassing of all the resolutions I could have possibly come up with. As I was putting together different variations of this list, this is the one I kept coming back to, so I know it needs to be here. So I begin 2009 with a confession: my bedroom? Is a fiasco. Not exactly dirty, but it's just ... overloaded. Full of clutter. Multiple hampers full of clean laundry that needs to be sorted and put away. Dust and books and tchotchkes.

This resolution might also be problematic because it's not something I will be able to do on my own. G is going to need to help me. It's really OUR mess, and we need to dig ourselves out together. We keep Cupcake's room clean, we put her laundry away in a timely manner, we donate outgrown and unwanted and unused toys and books -- but we are doing this for her, trying to set a good example that we are not following ourselves. I need to be the responsible adult I want her to be, so: this year, I resolve to clean my room.

(2) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO BE MORE "GREEN" WHEN I CLEAN. Partly related to my top resolution, but partly a stand-alone endeavor. We recycle and reuse, and are already working on reducing where we can. There is much more we can do -- switchlightbulbs , adjust the thermostats, go back to carpooling once the adoption is final and we can change our schedules back -- and we are gradually trying to change our lifestyles so that these things are automatic to us, and will be automatic for our daughter.

The next step logical step in the process, for me anyway, is to start replacing our regular cleaning products with "green" cleaners. We have already done this with our liquid dish detergent -- remember, baby steps! -- and when I go to the store today to buy fabric softener, I will be buying an eco-friendly product. I am still researching bathroom and kitchen cleansers to find ones that will sufficiently sanitize (I like my sinks and toilets to be clean enough for surgery) and welcome feedback and suggestions. Starting this year, I resolve to be more "green" when I clean.

(3) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO BE MORE "AWARE" WHEN I SHOP. This is both a sociopolitical and an economic position that I am trying to take. Money is tight, so of course price is a factor when I need to buy things, but I also want to feel good about my purchases. Doesn't mean I'm about to start buying only "Made in the USA" items, although if they are cost-effective I will try. But instead of always getting new things all the time, I will start checking thrift and consignment shops for gently used clothes and stuff like laundry baskets.

Of all my resolutions, I think this one might be the hardest, but it's the one single thing that I think is the most valuable. I mean, in 2008 we donated close to a dozen bags of clothes to thrift stores. We did it to make room for the baby first, and for the tax write-off second, but now that I know the kind of good that groups like Goodwill do for the community, it makes sense to try to support them as much as possible. And why pay full retail price for Cupcake's clothes when she's growing out of them before she can wear some of them? In 2009, I resolve to be more "aware" when I shop.

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I am working on some more -- funny ones, I hope, but this year is the first time in a while that I am taking my resolutions seriously -- but I wanted to get these out there, "permanently," so I can keep reminding myself what I'm supposed to be working on. (And not that you asked, but? "Stop procrastinating so much" is totally going to be on the rest of the list, in some form.)