Snowbird

BEEP.

"Gert, are you there? [louder] GERT, ARE YOU THERE? It's me, Gladys. [louder] I SAID IT'S ME, GLADYS. [muttering] I don't know, I think she has that damn answer-ma-jigger on, all I heard was some kind of 'beep' or something. [shouting] GERT, THIS IS YOUR FRIEND GLADYS. GLADYS LEIBOWITZ, FROM DOWN THE STREET. [muttering and crinkling] I don't know -- here, you take the phone, Herb. No, you don't need to --"

ANGRY TOUCHTONE NOISES AND A THUD.

BEEP.

"Gert, it's Gladys again. Sorry about that, you know how Herb is with the phone. Honest to goodness, it's not like he [rasies voice] WORKED FOR THE PHONE COMPANY FOR FORTY YEARS OR ANYTHING. Christ, that man, he gives me such agita. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we're leaving tomorrow for Boca. The nice girl from the travel agency, you know her, Pamela, she's Josephine Panto's daughter? Pamela says there is still room on the tour bus if you want to come. It's supposed to be twelve degrees next week, Gert. In Boca it's seventy. And Pamela says the resort where we're staying has shuffleboard and pinochle tournaments and bin --"

BEEP.

"Gert, it's Gladys again. [sighing] I think Herb was listening on the other line and he accidently disconnected us, or else your answer-ma-jigger is broken or something. Anyway, Pamela says there is suffleboard and pinochle and bingo every day and a nice early bird buffet with that creamed spinach you like, and she said if we want to we can even take a day trip to a [whispers] topless beach. So anyway -- [shouting] HERB, PUT THAT AWAY, I already told you we're not going to Tampa so you don't need your pirate sword, did you take your medicine today and honestly aren't you even listening to me? -- anyway Gert, we're leaving tomorrow, so try to call Pamela and see if you can still get on the bus. Okay? By --"

BEEP.

"Gert, I think your answer-ma-jigger is definitely broken. Anyway, just wanted to say goodbye. From Gladys. Gladys Leibowitz, from down the street. And I definitely know there is going to be a seat available on the bus because [loud clatter in the background] HERB I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO PUT RAT POISON IN YOUR COFFEE TONIGHT AND THEN SMOTHER YOU WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING, CAN'T YOU HEAR ME ON THE PHONE WITH GERT? Christ! Fifty years of this and I can't ta --"

Click. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

NOTE: Links are to G's Facebook and you need to log in to see them -- and they might not even work, I'm not sure, I'm kind of dim 82½% of the time -- so if you want to take my word for it, they're links to more pictures of Cupcake with babushkas on her head.