Look, I may not go to church unless someone drags me there kicking and screaming, or unless they trick me into going by telling me that the sacramental wine has been replaced by White Russians, or ... no, let's just call a spade a spade and say it: I don't do church. (Yes, Nana, I know my seat in Hell is already reserved, and I know this because I already work there.) But just because I've turned my back on organized religion, that doesn't mean I don't recognize the Signs of the Apocalypse when I see them. And I'm pretty sure that "my cat getting a blog" is right up there with Pestilence, Famine, and Tom-Brady-being-a-baby-daddy-(TWICE!!) in that regard.

Which isn't to say I'm opposed to blogs, necessarily, as a construct or a cultural phenomenon. Obviously. But I am becoming increasingly disturbed by the overuse and misapplication of them. Blogging is the new black, apparently, and it makes me feel squicky. As my grandfather might say in one of his more lucid moments: "Blogs are like assholes; everybody's got one, and most of 'em stink." Or, in other words, they've become completely filled with information and totally devoid of content.

Because, here's the problem -- it's not them, it's me. I don't think blogs are supposed to be important or earth-shattering or groundbreaking in any way. Call me "old skool" if you must, but I still think blogs should be of the online-personal-diary persuasion: a place for someone to write what they think or what they feel, for their friends or friends of their friends to read and share. A kind of conversation, or a digital journal. Some of the things bloggers talk about can be important -- religion, politics, reality shows -- but they don't have to be. I like the blogs where people post pictures of their new shoes and put up their poetry and vent about things that bother them. Blogs like the ones here, where maybe sometimes people sound like drunks, or dorks, or drunken dorks, or neurotic early-thirtysomethings having the midlife crisis of the week, but for the most part, the people sound like people.

By which I mean: they don't sound like network news shows. What the crap is with all these "blogs" that the network news programs have out now? "Click here to see this clip from last night's telecast that only tells part of one side of the story, plus check out Katie Couric's cute new haircut!" (Not actual links.) What is that? That's not news, to begin with -- that's advertising. And anyway, I want to actually, you know, find out what's going on in the world! It's a sad state of affairs when people are being paid to set up hotlinks to stories that provide you with fewer actual facts than the crawl on the bottom of the screen during any random mess on E!

So ... where was I going here? Oh: I think there should be a different word for what people are doing when they're trying to tell you how to be, or how to think, or what to wear, or who to vote for, or why to bother voting at all, but whatever that word is, it shouldn't be "blog." I want to take that word back, restore it to its original meaning. Protect it and all it stands for. Death to the keyboard monkeys! Anarchy now!

PS -- If you're reading this, you're NOT one of the people who pisses me off. Not this week, anyway. Just so you know. Yeah, I know I get a little batshit sometimes. I know. Sorry. But I kind of value independent reasoning, and I'm fed up with people who mistake literacy for intelligence, and who mistake the ability to click for the ability to think.

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