Dear Steve Bartman:

You. Festering. Fucktard.

I hope you are happy, dumbass. I really do. You can apologize "from the bottom of this Cubs fan's broken heart" until the goddamn cows come home, but you know what? It still won't change the fact that you are a world class, grade A moron.

Let's hope you are coaching the kids on your team better than you yourself have obviously been coached. Instinct, schminstinct. Reflex, schmeflex. You leaned over the railing. You interfered with the play. You cost the Cubs their first trip to the Series in how many years.

Now you say you are mortified and embarrassed by what happened. You should be. If there is any justice in the world, you will crawl into the hole where you belong and die there, alone, with your precious little baseball. I hope that what you have done haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope you can't sleep. I hope your children and their children hate you as much as I do.

Truth be told, you are not 100% responsible for the Cubs losing Game 6. The Cubs themselves do bear some responsibility for that. Eight runs in one inning is pitiful. But ... if not for you, if not for your wanton eagerness, if not for your irresponsibility, if not for your interference, then the Marlins might not have scored eight runs. Perhaps they wouldn't have scored any. We'll never know, will we?

Do you realize what you and your ilk - you and the Jeffery Maiers of the world - have done? Forevermore, the players on the field will have to contend not only with the ball and the batters and the baserunners, but the fans, too. There are only 3 men in the outfield, and there are 40,000+ of YOU in the stands. And really, if you wanted to be part of the game, then you should have tried out for the team.

Be glad you are from Chicago and not Philadelphia. If you lived in Philadelphia, and you did this to the Phillies, you'd be dead already right now. You wouldn't have had time to disconnect your phone and hire security. We'd have beaten the everloving shit out of you, and we wouldn't have blinked. I'm a pacifist and I'd have driven down to the Vet just to get a crack at you. You may be the dumbest person on the face of the Earth. I've never met you, and I hate your guts. Just rest assured: there is a special place in Hell for you, buddy boy.

And you'll be surrounded by Philadelphians there.

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