Thoughts About My TiVo

1. I wish every TV show had Joshua Jackson in it.

2. It looks like Kirk Acevedo is in every TV show.

3. Stephen Root makes an excellent crazy person.

4. The best insane genius anywhere every is John Noble.

5. Seriously, why doesn't every TV show have Joshua Jackson in it?

Five Things About Last Night's "Glee" (S3E2)

Sorry it's been so long, but you guys: SO BUSY, and yet so boring at the same time. So let's talk about last night's "Glee" since everybody else is, OK?

#1. West Side Story is one of my favorite musicals ever, and watching the audition process took me back to a place I never, ever thought I'd want to go again: my freshman year of college. I absolutely hated college (most of it, anyway, definitely major chunks of those four years that weren't spent in a classroom), but one of the few things that I actually enjoyed was being a part of the inaugural company of the First Year Players at Syracuse University. We did West Side Story that year, and I played Anybodys, and it was seriously one of the best times I ever had in my life. Even if you include my falling desperately, helplessly in love with two different cast members and having my heart broken many times over because of it. West Side Story is so much fun to do and I am so glad I had the chance to be in that show - the 1961 movie version with Natalie Wood and Rita Moreno remains, to this day, one of my favorite films.

#2. I hope I am not the only person who mentions this on the Internet or in real life today, but even if you used color-blind casting for the William McKinley High School production, there is no way on God's green Earth that Mercedes could ever play Maria. Sure, she has the vocal chops for it, but she is just not the Maria type. And it's not just because she is the "big girl" or the "black girl" - she is just not THAT girl. I'm not entirely certain that Rachel is quite right for the part, either. If I were casting the show using students from WMHS New Directions, Maria would be played by Tina. Kurt would be absolutely THE most fabulous Riff ever, Mike would be Chino, Puck would be Bernardo, Finn would be one of the Jets (one of the ones in the back who doesn't do much dancing), Quinn and Brittany would be Graziela and Velma. In this scenario, Mercedes would be best cast as Anita, although she would have tough competition from Santana. Blaine, of course, would be Tony. I don't know what to do with Rachel, exactly - she's almost too much for West Side Story. She's really more of a Desiree Armfeldt from A Little Night Music (the part that was recently played on Broadway by Catherine Zeta-Jones).

#3. Oh, that whole adoption thing? Makes me think about things that I'm not entirely sure I want to think about. I wonder sometimes if Shae's biological mother ever wants to see her - if she even remembers that Shae exists. And I worry what would happen if that were the case. Knowing what I know about Shae's birth mom, I don't think it's likely that she'll ever want to make contact, but ... what if? Imagine I am Shelby Corcoran in this scenario - am I in any position to make demands? Can I say, "I won't let you see this person that you gave birth to unless you meet my standards of dress/behavior/lifestyle/sobriety"? Certainly I want to prevent my daughter from being exposed to the kinds of things I know she was exposed to as an infant (i.e., REALLY BAD STUFF, let's leave it at that). Our adoption is closed, and right now I don't have any particular interest in letting Shae's biological parents be a part of our lives, for better or for worse. Maybe I am overprotective or overly possessive or living in denial. All of these things are possible, maybe even probable. I shouldn't have to think about this stuff after watching a silly TV show with lots of singing and dancing in it.

#4. "Somewhere" and "Something's Coming" are my two favorite songs from West Side Story, full stop. I could listen to Lea Michele, Idina Menzel, and Darren Criss sing those songs all day, every day, for the rest of my life, and I would die happy. I do wonder if "Glee" is ever going to do the "Tonight Quintet," and if so, how and when, and whether everything is going to tie back to anything happening in the story arcs for the actual characters, and whether they'll switch up any of the voice parts, or whatever. (I can't find a good video of the song to show it in context from the musical, but go watch the movie version - I can't recommend it enough, and you'll know this song when you see it.)

#5. There were supposed to be five things on this list but I ran out of things, so HOORAY FOR "GLEE!" Or not, if you hate "Glee." I won't judge. I hate the Kardashians and the Real Housewives, so it's not like I don't have my own problems.

Test Pattern

Hi there. I am in no shape to talk about anything today because I stayed up too late last night watching the Emmys -- which, by the way, I missed the opening number because I forgot the Emmys were even on but it turned out to be a surprisingly entertaining evening of television -- anyway, I hear that opening number was really good and I hope I can catch it on YouTube or something before it disappears forever -- and do you see what I mean about being in no shape to talk about anything? honest to God, who knew there were this many dashes even possible in the entirety of the English sandwich? -- and then after the Emmys were over I finished up Mockingjay and basically I couldn't turn my brain off and so I was awake until after 1:00 in the morning and then my husband basically had to shove me out of bed with a cattle prod when the alarms went off and I have been pretty much mainlining caffeine and nicotine and I just hope I can make it to the end of the day so I can go home and die in my own bed.

Have a nice day. Here, enjoy this picture of dresses from the Emmys that I thought were very pretty.

Does Clare Danes look like ten million bucks, or what? For serious.

Parsons, We Have A Problem

I would really like to know what has happened to my beloved Project Runway. Because it really isn't a very good show any more. And I, like Tim Gunn*, am concerned.

Back in the days when PR was on Bravo -- and it feels like it was hundreds of years ago, now, but it was only two years and three seasons -- PR was groundbreaking television. It was not like many other reality shows at the time: it was, is, and remained about fashion. First, last, foremost, and pretty much only about fashion.

Sure, in a competitive reality show, you're going to have some interpersonal interaction, but this was not like Survivor or Big Brother. This was a show about making great clothes. Do, or do not. There was no negotiation, no politics. There was no "voting off the island." It didn't really matter whether the rest of the designers liked you or not; at the end of each episode, you either made good stuff and stayed around, or you made crappy stuff and got sent home.

Now, I am not not naive, and I understand that people are not cast for a reality show about designing based solely and entirely on whether or not they can actually design. But since fashion is a creative industry, and what with creative people being how they are, there has been no shortage of "characters" on this show. You might have heard of one or two of them: Jay. Wendy Pepper. Austin. Santino. Jeffrey Sebelia. Christian Siriano. Laura Bennett. My favorites, Chris March and Nick Verreos. Fascinating people, every one, but they didn't do what they did because they were "popular" or "players" -- they made it, or didn't, based on their clothes.

I still think that's the case with PR, but something has changed. The show switched from Bravo to Lifetime, and I really feel like the focus of the production has shifted from "interesting people making beautiful clothes" to "a bunch of big-mouths being nasty to each other and causing drama and sometimes making something that someone in the audience would wear." There has always been some drama and nastiness -- see: Wendy Pepper, mentioned above -- but when PR started the nastiness was shocking because it seemed like such an anomaly.

(Come on, Tim Gunn has got to be one of the nicest guys on Earth. Do you think he would have signed up for this if it was going to be all drama all the time? I sure don't.)

If I had to come up with an explanation for what drove the shift from "making high-quality television" to "making highly-viewed entertainment," I would say that it came when the producers and the network changed. Now the show is produced by Bunim/Murray, the same outfit behind The "Real" World (emphasis added), and the show airs on Lifetime, the network responsible for that cinematic classic Mother May I Sleep With Danger? starring perennial Oscar-bait Tori Spelling.

And please note that I say this from a place of love, because I used to watch The Real World religiously back in the day, and I actually kind of like Tori Spelling -- but these changes blow.

Now the show is an hour and a half long, instead of just an hour, and that extra half hour? Is nothing but the designers criticizing each other's designs and basic general bitchery. It's stupid and unnecessary. Nobody looks good under these circumstances. If these people were really that good, they wouldn't need a reality show on basic cable to get people to buy their stuff. And I assure you: there are only maybe three people on this show whose clothes I would actually consider buying, and one of them has already been eliminated.

I don't know that I really have a suggestion on how the show can be fixed. I would definitely recommend cutting out the extra half hour, and maybe going back to Bravo. But I'm not sure even going back to the original homebase will help; some of the stuff that we have seen on PR is slowly creeping into other quality Bravo shows now. I don't really care how much the contestants on Top Chef hate each other -- the more I have to see the giant egos interacting, the less I feel inclined to eat at one of their restaurants. I don't want to eat where the chef doesn't respect anybody but himself.

And don't even get me started on Work of Art, which was seriously an unmitigated disaster.

Maybe what I am saying is this -- Dear Project Runway people: If you're reading this (and I doubt that you are, because you are not my mother, so why do you care?), stop with the drama! Just make clothes! You're making Tim Gunn* concerned, and I don't like it. Concerny faces give me wrinkles. Thanks! PS - Stop showing the Schick Quattro razor-trimmer commercial during PR because I really don't want to think about the shape of other women's "topiaries." Eww.


* Tim Gunn is probably not concerned, but that is what he says all the time.

I Swear To God, I Used To Have A Life

It's getting to be that time again where I show you my fall TV schedule and My Anonymous Mother looks at it and basically goes, "Ugh, for this I paid all that money for college?" because apparently in my head M.A.M. is Yiddish. Would you like to see this year's pretty little chart? (If not, too bad, because here it comes anyway.)

(Incidentally, guess who just got a new color computer at work? THIS GAL, that's who.) (Well, it's the department's color printer, but STILL.)

The changes in shows and/or timeslots are highlighted. It looks kind of similar to last year's version, doesn't it? That's because THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN, people. I am basically watching the same shows as last year. There are only a couple of differences which I will discuss below:

• You will notice a marked lack of purple on this bad boy; that is because I never know when Top Chef, Project Runway, Burn Notice, White Collar, Psych, In Plain Sight -- basically, all my shows on cable -- actually stop and start. I will keep watching them as long as they are on (especially Burn Notice and White Collar because Jeffrey Donovan, Bruce Campbell, and Matthew Bomer are yummy) but I have no idea what time any of these shows actually air because I have a TiVo.
• Yes, I just said the Bruce Campbell is "yummy." I can't help myself. He is funny and charming and devilish and I have absolutely no defense against that demographic. I don't care if he is old enough to be my (sugar) daddy. Don't you judge me.
• Outside the cable shows, which were intentionally omitted, four shows are completely gone from the list -- Ugly Betty (finished), FlashForward (cancelled), NUMB3RS (finished), and Gossip Girl (too stupid to keep watching). Lost never appeared last year because it didn't have its season premiere until February, and it is the only show that I will actively miss. Thank God for the complete series on Blu-Ray, which of course we will be getting.
• Every year I say I am "done" with Survivor, and every time a new season starts I still get sucked back in. This time I am watching for two reasons: one, to see how long before Jimmy Johnson (yes, THAT Jimmy Johnson) sticks around -- hopefully not very -- and two, to see how badly the changes they keep making are wrecking my show.
• For the record, not that you asked, but I still stand by my assertion that Ethan Zohn is the best Survivor winner in history. He has a foundation. Go check it out. This is a public service announcement. Also, he is very, very funny and charming and have I mentioned that I have no defense against that demographic?
• Yes, I'm going to at least check out the "reboot" of Hawaii Five-O, because I am an asshole, and also because Daniel Dae Kim is lovely and charming and I am glad he has work so soon after Lost. Not entirely sure how I feel about Scott Caan, and I don't understand why CBS is so completely in love with Alex O'Laughlin, but come on -- Hawaii! Cops! "Book 'im, Danno!" You know you're going to watch, too, at least once.
• I would personally like to thank the television executives who made the decisions to move Survivor to Wednesdays and move Glee to Survivor's old timeslot on Thursdays Tuesdays (Ed.: fixed), because that resolved one of my most major scheduling conflicts. Now I only have one left, on Mondays at 8:00, and I am going to have a hard time deciding whether House or How I Met Your Mother gets bumped to repeats. Chuck stays put, always and forever, amen (because of the cute and charming and no defense and hello have you even been listening?).
• No, I don't know why The Defenders looks interesting, but it does.
• Big jeers to both ABC and NBC, who only have two shows each on this chart. Why can't you guys make good television, ABC and NBC? Modern Family and Community are fantastic. Chuck and Castle are great. MOAR PLZ.
• Dear CBS: When can I expect the next mortgage payment on my soul? Get that check in the mail STAT or I will stop watching CSI: NY, which kind of sucks any more anyway.
• I'm giving The Big Bang Theory another chance, even though I kind of didn't like it early in the show's run. If you must blame someone, blame Linda Holmes at NPR's Monkey See blog, who has been making quite a case for it. You can also give an assist to Wil Wheaton, who also loves the show and has been a guest more than once. I trust that Ensign Wesley Crusher will not steer me wrong.
• Gaaah, I still can't believe that I am going to voluntarily watch Jimmy Johnson on television. WTF is WRONG with me? Damn you, Mark Burnett! Damn you straight to hell!
• Oh hell yes I'll be watching Conan's new show when it airs. I will NOT be making that mistake again. Team Coco Forever!

Any other recommendations? Last year someone (my sister?) said something about Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, but I can't get into them -- not a big soap fan, really (which is a large part of why I gave up on Gossip Girl -- that, and the unrelenting stupidity). I find Mad Men to be intolerably slow, and the entire concept of Breaking Bad scares me, but I am giving Rubicon (also on AMC) a shot. I missed out on BSG and I think I am a little late to the party for Eureka but if someone thinks they're worth trying to find on-demand I will see what I can do.

And for the love of all that is Good and Holy, let's hope that Jimmy Johnson does not win Survivor or my head will explode.

... And Now A Word From The Voices In My Head

There has not been a whole lot going on in my life these days, and the weather just finally turned nice starting today, so while I was trying to invent some blog content for today, I decided to send some questions to myself via the pretty little Formspring box over yonder, and then answer them, and post the answers here. I submitted the questions yesterday, and then the Internet broke or something, I don't know, it was all technical and involved wires I think, so I wasn't able to answer myself until today. Overnight some of the answers changed, except for one. So that question goes first, and then the rest are in pretty much random order.

Can we see pictures of the infamous backpack?
     No.

So how come nobody is asking you any questions?
     I don't know. I blame the previous administration, the unusually high pollen counts, and the fact that I am butternuts crazy. Also, probably nobody even knows what Formspring even is. I'm not sure I do, and I'm the one with the stinkin' widget on my blog.

Would you rather be a famous musician or a famous actor?
     Who says I can't be both? Oh, but wait -- do we consider "kazoo players" to be musicians? And do we consider "comediennes" to be actors? Because that's what I want to be -- a world-famous kazoo-playing comedienne with her own musical variety show. And while I'm dreaming, my first and most favoritest guest will be Kristin Chenoweth, and she will be on my show at least once a quarter, and she will sing and I will play the kazoo and we will dance, dance, dance and it will be AWESOME.
     C'mon -- you KNOW you want to watch that show. The cast of "Glee" will be our house band, and we'll have a dunk tank.

{Ed. Note: The above question was a random, Formspring-generated question that popped up while I was waiting for my anonymously-self-submitted questions to appear in my inbox. It's completely coincidental that the question which immediately follows is tangentially related.}

If you could be on any TV show, past or present, what show would it be?
     Since this is my own fake question, I am going to amend it thusly: "... TV show, past or present OR FUTURE, what show ..."
     Because the show I would be on does not yet exist, because I just invented it in my head last night while I was watching "Glee" to relax from my nerdrage over something stupid that happened in World of Warcraft.
     (Yes, I still play that game. Because virtually blowing stuff up and melting off faces from time to time is FUN, yo. Don't you judge me.)
     Anyway, if I could be on any TV show, it would my own rockle-branded musical variety reality show. (See above question, also.)
     Plus there would be monkeys. Monkeys in the dunk tank.

What is the funniest thing you've seen on the internet this week?
     Oh, man, it was the thing with Twitter, Temerity Jane, and the "baby rabies." Probably because just the term "baby rabies" is hysterical. Admit it. {Ed. Note: That linked TJ blog post does not actually contain the words "baby rabies" -- that shows up in the comments -- but anyway. It's a long post, and maybe not all that interesting to most, but I thought it was a great piece. And the comments are classic.}
     I know what the phrase is actually referring to, but in my head I picture an army of tiny little mammals -- baby humans, bats, puppies, raccoons, etc. -- in their diapers, toddling around, foaming at the mouth, trying to snuggle you to death.
     And it's just a whole lot of fun to say it over and over again: "Baby rabies, baby rabies, baby rabies, baby rabies."

Really? You're not going to let us see pictures of the backpack?
     Okay, FINE. Here.

This is a comparison of the new backpack (on the right) with the old backpack. As you can see, the new one is taller and a bit thinner, but it's "deeper" and it also has all kinds of straps and stuff so that it will stay up if Shae ever takes it hiking or something. The penguin bag is more of a bookbag.

And here is the backpack in action. Well, in "action," since we put it on over our pajamas. You can see that it's a perfect size for her -- maybe a leetle on the big side, but she'll grow into it. It's got a lot of zippers and gewgaws and whatnots and a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. Oh, and a whistle. She already loves it and keeps all her "cool stuff" in it, like her map that I printed at work.

And her paper-towel-tube spyglass. (She uses the toilet paper tubes as megaphones, but she calls them "saxophones." Haha.)

Anyway, if you ever have a totally random question that you want me to answer, you can always leave it in the comments, or you can type it in that there Formspring box over there and I'll answer it for you. Or, I'll try to. Or maybe I'll make something up.

Dancing with the Dorks

I admit to watching almost every competitive reality program on television -- my on-again-off-again love affair with "Survivor" goes back to Season 2 in Australia, and I keep lobbying friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, random strangers on the Internet, etc., to be on "The Amazing Race" with me, and the number of text-message votes I have cast for "American Idol" borders on the irrational, just to give you a few examples -- but I have never really gotten into "Dancing with the Stars."

I'm not sure why, because I'm pretty sure that I am exactly the target audience for that show. I mean, why wouldn't I be? I enjoy dancing, corny jokes, people acting like fools on national TV, dinging gaydar, handsome Russians, perky Mormons, that wacky Bruno guy (especially when he appears on "The Soup"), swirly skirts, tuxedo unitards, and of course glitter, plus I find Tom Bergeron to be basically inoffensive as it appears the Constitution requires, so this show should be right up my alley. Except ...

"LOST" - Final Season Premiere Recap

NO. FUCKING. IDEA.

I have watched every minute of this show since Episode One. Every single second. Every frame. Most episodes were watched in "real time" which means that I have followed this show through every different time period it has occupied on the prime-time schedule. I have stayed up until well past midnight some nights, discussing WTF happened with my husband. This is the final season on this show, according to the producers. We were promised answers.

And still I have NO. FUCKING. IDEA.

[Possible spoilers, duh. - Ed.] Some people are dead? Maybe? Or maybe they're not? Maybe God is dead, or Paul? Wasn't it Paul that everyone said was dead when they dropped their acid and played their Beatles records backwards? And maybe there are two versions of the same timeline happening at once? Or else it's two different timelines that are going to converge? Or not? How does Richard keep his eyeliner looking so perfect without looking like a hot ghetto tranny mess? And maybe this is an Epic Battle Between Good And Evil? But who is good, and who is evil? Or maybe it's really about backgammon? Or was that Armageddon? And Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to the goddamn dog?

I think I need to watch this show when I am drunk. Maybe then I'll understand. But I'll keep watching.

WTF!? Friday: My So-Called Life

That mess right there is my official-as-of-this-moment fall TV viewing grid, and the title of this post could also be: "OMFG, she actually watches that shit?" because -- yes. Yes I do. Somebody has to, and it might as well be me. I'm willing to take one for the team. You're welcome.

It's kind of funny -- I have a degree in writing for television, and while I don't think it's going to waste (those emails to salespeople aren't going to script themselves, you know), it's pretty fair to say that I am not "living up to my potential." Sort of makes it more ironic that a good 20% of the shows on my schedule are reality shows, no?

And anyway, this isn't the full list of what I'll be watching. Some of our regular programs (Chuck, The Closer, In Plain Sight, and Psych) are done for now and won't be back until late in the fall or early in the spring. And at least two of these shows (NCIS: LA and The Good Wife) and possibly four (Modern Family and Community) night get scrapped if we don't like them.

I also didn't include my current guilty pleasure, which is on FoodTV on ... well, I have no idea when, but my TiVo catches it, and that is what matters: What Would Brian Boitano Do Make? Holy crap, you guys. If you like funny stuff, and people with actual personalities, and cooking shows for complete dilettantes, then I recommend checking it out. It's good, and you'll actually make at least some of what they feature on the show. (Unless you're busy watching 358 hours of TV a week, most of them targeted at the pre-K demographic.)

With all of the said: is there some kind of curse on Tuesday nights or something? Are programming execs expecting the entire television audience to have MNF football hangovers? Why is there virtually nothing to watch that day? I only have two TiVo conflicts this season (Weds. at 9:00 and Thurs. at 9:30), so I'm not complaining much, but why? Why can't somebody just move those shows to Tuesdays, which are by most accounts a total wasteland?

Also, you might notice that I will only be watching one show on NBC this year, and that one is only a half-hour comedy (which, as I mentioned, might not even make the cut). This is because NBC is apparently run by brain-damaged space aliens who think that taking up five hours per week of prime-time programming with that bullshit Jay Leno program is a good idea. Dillweeds. Making me wait until March for Chuck. That is some kind of asshattery, right there, and don't think I don't notice.

(For the record, I'd skip NBC entirely until my beloved Zachary Levi comes back, but Joel McHale owns the part of my soul that doesn't already belong to Mark Burnett or Jerry Bruckheimer.)

Oh, and one more thing -- Dear Lifetime, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BROADCAST IN HD, YOU LOONS. Project Runway is sumptuous, Tim Gunn is a demi-god who deserves better, and YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FABRICS OR COLORS IN STANDARD DEFINITION. What is WRONG with you people? Those of us who followed the show from Bravo have high standards that you are not achieving. Work on it. xoxo, rockle.

So ... what are you watching?

OMG, WTF?

Spotted: a once-sparkling gem of the Upper East Side, now slumming it, acting the fool, and generally making a hot ghetto mess of herself. Careful, GG, or you're going to lose your coveted slot in my TiVo season pass list as quickly as you lost your luster.

Let me assure you, I do not use the term "hot ghetto mess" loosely when it comes to television shows. I am the Queen of Trash Television. Every reality show that minces down the pike gets at least one episode's worth of my undivided attention. Survivor? Check. Flava of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York? Check. Celebrity Rehab? Check. RuPaul's Drag Race? Oh my God, hell yes, check!

I have also dedicated valuable TiVo space to other, non-reality shows that people hate / hated: Big Shots. Two and a Half Men. Prison Break, for three whole seasons. So, really, I like to consider myself a connossieur of "zhe gahrbahge." I watch it all. I do not discriminate. The crappier the show, the more likely I am to watch it (except "The Hills" or and of its evil undead offspring because: Spencer Pratt and his creepy flesh-colored beard).

But I don't really know how to feel about a show that used to be so very, very good, and so very, very naughty, and so very, very trashy, and which has recently become so very, very ... not. Like Gossip Girl has. "Disappointed" does not even begin to cover it.

Not sure whether you watch Gossip Girl, but here is the very-brief summary of the beginning: Serena van der Woodsen is a bad girl gone good. She disappeared for a while under mysterious circumstances, and then came back with a new attitude and a new lease on life, and some old secrets that she is not ready to share. Her old BFF is pissed, her new BF is suspicious, and everyone else only knows part of the story. Plus, there is Chuck Bass, who is possibly the root of all evil on the Upper East Side. Oh, and did I mention these kids are all in high school? And completely, sickeningly rich?

For the entire first season, we gradually uncovered Serena's secrets. She was an addict -- drink and drugs. She slept with her best friend's boyfriend, and well as pretty much everyone else. The friend never knew, but Chuck Bass did. She was blackmailed, told the truth anyway, had to make things right with her friend, had to get her boyfriend to start trusting her, had to clean up her act and get her life together ...

... then the writer's strike came, and when everyone went back to work, things got ... weird. Georgina Sparks appeared, an old co-conspirator of Serena's, and she tried to get Serena to stray from the path of righteousness. She tried to steal Serena's boyfriend, starting spreading lies and half-truths, sowed seeds of distrust and distaste everywhere. We found out Serena killed a guy, except she didn't, and we found out Serena's brother is gay, and we also found out that Serena's mom and her on-again-off-again-always-true-love-of-her-life boyfriend's father were former lovers who were almost married. Still following?

And then the season ended. And when we came back -- wait, WTF? Serena and Dan broke up? Now Dan's ex-GF and Serena's BFF's-ex-BF are together? And the BFF and Chuck are doing whatever they're doing? And Serena's mom is married to Chuck's dad, but she's still horny for Dan's dad, and just what in the holy hell is going on here? And why are we in the Hamptons for some reason, where nothing in this show has happened before, and we are dealing with people that we never saw before, and who we won't see again after the third episode?

Listen: these shenanigans have got to stop. At this point, about halfway through the second season, we have discovered that: Serena's mom and Dan's dad have a kid together, which Dan's dad never knew about because Serena's mom went to Boston to put him up for adoption, which makes Dan and Serena kind of related, which makes their sleeping together completely gross; and Chuck's dad is dead and maybe was a member of some weird secret swingers' club, or maybe he isn't dead after all, but nobody really knows; and Blair is trying to get into Yale but she's a complete bitch and everybody hates her and personally I don't really see why she's such a big deal either but anyway she keeps acting stupid and getting caught and she's in love with Chuck and oh my God are we there yet?

So I'm getting confused -- which is saying a LOT because I also watch Lost and hello have you met my boyfriend Daniel Faraday? -- and also bored. And so the point of all this is this:

Dear Gossip Girl,
Act right, or you're gonna get smacked right. OK?
You know I love you.
XOXO!

=====

Added after the fact -- If you don't actually watch Gossip Girl, this pictogram from Wordle will make about as much sense as the rest of this post anyway, plus it's pretty:

Afterglow

Snow day today. I had a scheduled day off anyway -- it's my "bonus" for working 30 hours of unpaid overtime during the year-end close -- so I am unfazed by the 2" of snow we got overnight, followed by sleet right now, eventually turning into rain later in the day. I'm keeping the Cupcake home with me and we're going to watch cartoons and play video games and eat junk food all day long, as God intended.

We're trying something new today -- Playhouse Disney. Normally we watch "Dora" and "Blue's Clues" and "Jack's Big Music Show" and "Gabba" and "Sesame Street" and one of our new favorites, "Ni Hao, Kai-Lan." But today we are watching (or at least for now we are watching) whatever is on Playhouse Disney. "Little Einsteins" and "My Friends Tigger and Pooh" so far. Not bad, although I will always and forever prefer the Ernest Shepard illustrations of the Hundred Acre Wood characters to any newfangled versions.

So, yeah. Not much going on today. AWESOME. Further bulletins as events warrant. Hopefully we'll be able to get in some photo ops.

Absentee Parenting

We need to have a talk about Dora the Explorer and what, exactly, is going on with those parents of hers.

Cupcake loves Dora the Explorer, and it's one of the shows we keep a constant stash of on the TiVo. "Doree!" gets played in pretty heavy rotation, along with Pinky Dinky Doo, Blue's Clues, and when I am in charge of the remote, Yo Gabba Gabba!

(Before you say a word: Yes, I know we watch a lot of TV in our house. But at least we are watch mostly age-appropriate, educational television. It's not like we watch CSI: or Dirty Sexy Money or Two and a Half Men with her. Not often, anyway. And anyway, Pinky kicks ass. Don't you judge me.)

I'm not 100% sure, but I think Dora is Cupcake's favorite show. There's always singing and music and exciting adventures and monkeys who wear boots but not pants -- which, actually, is a large part of the problem.

Dora is always off solving things by herself. I mean, I understand that toddlers can be fiercely independent, but ... helping baby fish trapped in tide pools? Searching for toy fire trucks on the tops of mountains? Delivering presents to Santa at the North Pole? The hell? Who lets toddlers do that by themselves?

"But she isn't by herself," you're saying. You're right, of course: she is getting help from an obnoxious singing map, some kind of creepy magical backpack that can hold entire frickin' space suits, and the pervert monkey. Plus whoever Dora meets along the way, like crabs, bears, lions, dinosaurs, most species in the weasel family, and a Big Red Chicken.

Know what's missing in all of Dora's adventures? COMPETENT ADULT SUPERVISION. I hate to be so literal about a children's show -- especially when Yo Gabba Gabba! doesn't bother me at all, and it totally should -- but WHERE IN THE HELL ARE DORA'S PARENTS? Why is this poor cute little girl wearing a mismatched outfit and an ill-fitting shirt, and tramping all over land, sea, and space without any adults to keep an eye on her?

And why the hell doesn't she have a GPS in her backpack? She's got every damn thing else.

Dancey-Dance Time

Not sure if you've ever heard of "Yo Gabba Gabba," but if you haven't, and you have a small child, you might want to check it out. Or not. Depends on how you feel about DJ's dressed like a young Bootsy Collins, rubber-looking cyclopes, other assorted monsters, indie bands, retro video-game-ish graphics, and songs about parties in one's tummy and getting the sillies out. G hates it, I think it's fine, but Cupcake loves it. Lots of music and little kids and stories about little yellow Martian boys and dancing. I snapped this picture while she was dancing along to a song about having friends.

(Halloween clothes because we are going to a parade later, which I hope to report on another day.)

Things That Are Sexy Right This Very Minute:

10. Chuck on NBC, Monday nights at 8pm - Because I ♥ Nerds

9. Anybody who beats the Yankees - Bonus points because: Grady Sizemore! Squee!

8. Gossip bloggers who are bitchier than I am - Plus, pink hair! (Sometimes!)

7. High-definition television

6. House on Fox, Tuesday nights at 9pm - Because I ♥ Snarky Bad-Asses

5. Scrapple, sliced thin, and fried until crispy on the outside but still mushy inside - with ketchup

3 (Tie). #26

3 (Tie). #11

2. American sports cars - Mustangs & Corvettes especially

1. Shutouts in the playoffs

Oh! And Matt Damon (note: NOT Tom Brady)!

THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT IS BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS "ABC," "CBS," "NBC," "FOX," "USA," "CW," "E!," and "TiVo"

Dear friends, family, Romans, countrymen, etc.:

It is television premiere season, and for the next month or so, on Monday through Friday nights, between the hours of 8 and 11 pm ET, I will be mostly unavailable because I will be (choose one of the options below) —

[__] Checking out the season premieres of my old favorite TV shows
[__] Checking out the series premieres of my new favorite TV shows
[__] Geeking out over the awesomeness of the new TV season
[__] Snarking about the complete crapitude of the new TV season
[__] Trying to figure out how the holy hell to set up my DVR
[__] Mulling over my multitude of unresolvable DVR conflicts
[__] Attending 12-step program meetings for my television addiction

Should you need to contact me during this hectic time, please (choose one of the options below) —

[__] Send me an email
[__] Send me a text
[__] Send me an Instant Message of some kind
[__] Send me a bribe
[__] Send me another TiVo

I appreciate your patience and understanding. See you all at Thanksgiving, if I live that long!
♥xo♥xo,
rockle.


PS - Think I'm kidding? Here is my personal programming grid — see why I am losing my ever-loving mind? And please note that this does not even include the "bonus" programs on the cable channels. "Slacker Cats" is missing, and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," and "Lil Bush," and etc. And everything will change again in January, when "Jericho," "Lost," "American Idol," and OMG "The Amazing Race" make it back into the starting rotation. I think I need to lie down now ...