The Ice-and-Snowman Cometh

Yeah, yeah, you're all sick to death of hearing about SNOWTOBER! or whatever the hell we arrogant self-centered Mid-Atlanticans are calling the pre-Halloween snow that's already pretty much melted away by now anyway, but I still have PICTURES to post, gosh darn it.

The kid is all, "Whatever, Momzo, you loonball. Have I told you how much you suck because you didn't get me boots yet and you're making me tromp out here to stand in front of the neighbor's jack-o'-lantern in galoshes and a hand-me-down jacket from God-knows-where with a busted zipper?"

And then she's like, "Wait, WHAT? Hot chocolate with marshmallow fluff and whipped cream and a Hershey's syrup drizzle? Why didn't you say that in the first damn place?"

But, yeah, we got snow over the weekend. Not much, maybe an inch and a half in total, and if you promise not to tell anyone that I ever confessed to this, then I'll go so far as to admit that it was possibly kind of maybe a little bit pretty, once we were done with the doctors' appointments in the morning and we could spend the rest of the day in the house in our pajamas with the heat cranked up.

The four-year-old -- "Mother, I am four and a HALF, which means I am ALMOST FIVE, please get it right!" -- of course thought the snow was the Coolest. Thing. EVER! as children her age are wont to do.

Until I ever-so-helpfully reminded her that, um, yeah, but if you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?

Wait. Wrong movie.

But it was kind of exciting, I guess, now that it's in the rearview mirror. Here's hoping that early snow means that it will be sunny and 60°F on Christmas.

I Don't Know How They Do It (Or What "It" Is, Exactly)

These were supposed to go up yesterday - sorry. We had technical difficulties at home (i.e., the power inexplicably went out and I couldn't get the pictures uploaded sooner). Now if you could only tell me what is happening in some of these pictures, I would owe you a great debt.

File under: My kid is weird and plays with random things she finds on the beach.

HELLO TO YOU TOO!

Kids in buckets are hysterically funny, full stop.

So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

It is apparently never too soon for wee ones to learn the "bish, PLEASE" face.

He is up to something, but I can't remember what.

Whoa, dude, SERIOUSLY?

Fetching, just fetching.

Got milk? (I have never seen an actual milk moustache in the wild before.)

Joey didn't really like the ocean much (it was really rough anyway), but he LOVED playing in the sand.

Now SHE, on the other hand ...

One day on the trip -- I think it was Tuesday but it could have been Wednesday, I don't remember -- we had a lot of rain and the kids needed to be entertained, so we got out the bikes and they literally, yes LITERALLY, rode in circles around the garage for HOURS. It was probably one of the better nights we had, honestly, because they just did loops and figure 8's until the pretty much keeled over.

Makayla even got in on the action -- my parents took turns pushing her around in the stroller, following the other kids, like the smallest, strangest, most adorable parade you've ever seen in your life.

WSJM Public Access Presents Coffee Talk

I'm at home dying of plague and consumption -- okay, strep throat, which is totally treatable thanks to modern medicine, but you have no idea how bad it is unless you have it so whatever -- and I slept until 11:00 so by the time I woke up there were no good daytime TV shows on any more -- haha like there are any good daytime TV shows to begin with -- so I am making up my own entertainment from some Skype screen shots from over the weekend.

WSJM Public Access Television in Pottstown-Des Plaines-Bethlehem presents "Coffee Talk with Joey Burger."

Good morning everybody. Beautiful day outside, not snowing for a change. Nice and warm here inside the studio. Thanks for joining us. Remember, if you want to be a member of our studio audience, call the switchboard at 777-GO-2-WSJM. Only 10 seats available for every taping, and the first three people who arrive at the studio will get to work the cameras. Ha!

So let me tell you about what happened yesterday after the show. You won't believe it. I went home for lunch and instead of getting my usual chocolate milk, my mommy made me chocolate MALT milk. Can you BELIEVE it? Chocolate MALT milk! What is this, 1950? What is she giving me, Ovaltine? But let me tell you, that chocolate MALT milk was DELICIOUS. Absolutely delicious. So I'm a new convert. Pour me some Ovaltine!

We're going to have a great show today. I'll be drinking my chocolate malt milk with our guests. Up first, we're going to talk with one of the Wonder Pets. That's right, Tuck the Turtle is going to be here. Give it up for Tuck!

Then we're going to joined by our musical guests, here to talk about the diss of the century at the Grammys, ladies and gentlemen we have Justin Bieber! [hollering] And he'll be showing off his NEW HAIRCUT!

And finally at the end of the show we're going to have our very favorite segment: snack time! Today my mommy is serving graham crackers, applesauce, and yes, CHOCOLATE MALT MILK for everybody. It's going to be great! Stick around after the commercials!

Greeting Cards Have All Been Sent

Well, okay, technically they've not all been sent. Okay, none have been sent. But they're all written, except for the 7 people or so whose addresses I need. I had 88 people on the list this year -- in my next life, I want to be part of a smaller family. Sheesh.

I am really happy with the way our cards turned out this year. I've mentioned before that I take Christmas cards very seriously, and I was lucky (and patient) enough to find cards that met all the totally random arbitrary criteria that I felt needed to be met: non-denominational, colorful, happy, chic. I didn't end up picking one of the three designs I thought I would do with, but I did find something that worked for me.

Now if only taking and picking a picture of my kid would have been so simple! Even when you weed out the test shots, I ended up taking something like 130 pictures of my (generally mostly uncooperative) kid in front of the Christmas tree to get three pictures that were usable for the cards.

The one I ended up using is almost but not quite perfect -- I mean, it pretty much perfectly sums up my life, but it isn't exactly a perfect picture. Shae is (1) looking at the camera, (2) sitting still, and (3) smiling all at the same time, but she is not entirely in focus. I think the problem here is me; I left my tripod at my sister's baby shower (which, OMG, I never put up pictures and my sister is having the baby, like, RIGHT NOW) and I still don't it back, so I was using a jerryrigged stack of toy boxes and books to hold the camera still, and either she moved or I did. But I like the light here, and her hair looks great, and that million dollar smile, plus I really love this shirt that she got for a Christmas present last year and it's actually what I had in mind when I was picking out new decorations for the three this year, so I just ran the softening filter and called it a day. Like I said, I am really happy with how the cards turned out, and I think this picture is at least 75% of the reason why.

This photo was another contender and I almost ended up using it. Technically speaking, this is a better picture -- Shae is in focus, the lights have that nice twinkle from the shortened depth of field, her eyes have a gorgeous sparkle. Practically up until the last minute, this was the picture that was going to be on our cards. But I changed my mind because of (1) that weird open-mouth thing that Jessica Simpson is always doing that kind of makes her look like an unfortunately dim mouth-breather, and (2) Shae is not looking directly at the camera. Darn it, kid! Why don't you like to look at the camera?

I almost used this one, too. This picture is pretty typical of my kid (and, let's face it, her mother) -- she was chitter-chatting during our whole "photo shoot" and I really needed to work hard to get her to take direction. "Shae, look at the camera." Click. "Smile please." Click click. "Honey, can you drop your chin a little bit?" Click. "No, not that much, don't look at the floor, look at the camera." Click click click. "What are you doing with your face?" Click. "Don't scrunch up your nose, just look right at the camera and sit still and smile." Click. "Shae, please." Click click. "SHAE." Click. "Oh my God kid what are you doing can you please just sit still for two seconds and look at the camera and stop making that face and smile and listen to me OH MY GOD PLEASE LISTEN OR YOU ARE NEVER GETTING ANY CANDY AGAIN EVER."

Here Comes The Bride

Over the weekend I was looking for my Syracuse sweatshirt that I got from "Santa" that one year that my husband had to spend the week before Christmas in Rochester, because it has been cold lately, and I hate being cold. Mostly I've been wearing this gigantic housecoat that is big enough to wrap around myself twice and was also a Christmas gift from a different year, because I never did find that stinkin' hoodie, but what I found instead was my veil from my wedding.

My husband says he doesn't even remember my veil. I do, but I can't remember whether I wore the blusher over my face or not. I think I did. Most of the pre-"I Do" portion of the ceremony is a blur, except for the part where my Dad stepped on the hem of my dress at the top of the stairs and I tripped and said, right out loud in a Catholic church in front of God and the Monsignor and my grandmothers and everybody, "OH SHIT." And then I freaked out because, oh shit, I just said "SHIT" in church!

Yeah, I have issues. You'd have issues too, if your grandmother was born in the manger next to Jesus. But anyway, I found my veil, which I didn't even know was missing. I figured all this time that my veil was in the bag with my weddirng dress at my mother's somewhere, and not in the top of one of the office closets in a shoebox with my pocelain Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz collector's doll.

G didn't even want me to show it to Shae, because he was afraid she'd wreck it. Personally, I don't care much. My veil was pretty much an afterthought anyway, something I grabbed at the florist's at the last minute because I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my hair. It was $12. The florist made it. I can't even really deal with it right now, because my kid is only three and I am not yet prepared to deal with how beautiful a bride she is going to be. In thirty years or so. When I am ready to let her grow up.

Poker Face

After that whole pig head thing, how about a little palate cleanser? Let's go with a round of "goofy faces that my kid makes for no particular reason," how about that? These pictures were all taken on the same day -- at the pig head party -- while Shae was running around in the backyard with my cousins' kids and my mother and just generally causing a right holy ruckus, as kids that age and in that quantity are wont to do.

I keep telling her that if she frowns too much she's going to get wrinkles. I wish I could remember what she was doing when she made these faces. They crack me up.

I can picture her teenage years already: "So, I was, like, NOOooOO!, and she was, like, OH YESSS!, and then her MOM walked in and now she is, like, COMPLETELY GROUNDED. Can you believe it? Parents suck!"

This kid has never seen Popeye. But I bet I could teach her to theme song in one go-round. Toot toot!

I don't know how it happened, but my 3-year-old already has the "bishplz" face down pat. We are going to be in a world of hurt in like 7 years, right?

We can't read her poker face because she doesn't have one. This look of pure, unadulterated joy is my favorite expression of hers.

List-o-matic

Things I Don't Like:
3. Asparagus
2. Sun poison
1. Change

Thinks I Like Even Less Than Change:
3. Spiders
2. My neighbors
1. Changing summer vacation plans in the middle of the summer

People I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up:
3. Wonder Woman
2. Valerie Bertinelli
1. Eloise

People I Never Thought I Would Turn Into But I Have Anyway:
3. My Anonymous Mother
2. Dorothy Zbornak
1. Julie McCoy, Your Cruise Director

What We Are Looking For In A Jersey Shore Beach Rental:
3. Location
2. Location
1. Cheap

What I Am Afraid We Are Going To End Up With Instead:
3. Sun poison
2. Eight adults and 2 children in a studio apartment 7 blocks from the beach
1. Snooki

Leader of the Pack

My Anonymous Mother the yard-sale ninja got Shae a Big Wheel for $1 -- A DOLLAR! -- and we spent Sunday pushing it around the pool. Because what else do you do with a Big Wheel but push it around the pool? Hello? Have you met my kid?

I think she makes hilarious faces.

Here is picture her getting stuck in her first traffic jam.

And here she is telling the driver who just cut her off to go somewhere else and do unspeakable things to himself and/or his dog. Honestly, I don't know where kids pick these things up.

All told, even though we can't quite reach the pedals yet (she's just a little too short, maybe just two or three inches) and we're not really sure how exactly to work the pedals anyway, we do really like the Big Wheel.

I am just counting the minutes until that sucker ends up in the pool.

Guessing The Future

Shae's only three so there's no way that she knows who or what she wants to be when she grows up -- I mean, I'm going to be thirty-mumble next week and I still have no freaking idea -- but I still watch her sometimes, trying to analyze what she likes and what she is good at, attempting to figure out what she might want to do. Right now I kind of think she is either going to be a writer or a veterinarian, or possibly the heiress to the throne of La Gaga, but there are any number of other possibilities.

Maybe she'll be a firefighter. She likes to help people, and I kind of think she has a predisposition for rescuing things. She is extremely proud of the fact that my husband caught the ninja mouse the other day, and released it back into the wild. (Well, into the back alleyway, but STILL.) I can totally see her rescuing cats from trees.

But then again, maybe she'll want to work as a movie critic for the newspaper, assuming that newspapers still exist in 20 years when she's looking for a job. Certainly there'll be some kind of media, anyway, and where there is media, there are people whose job it is to complain about stuff. And already this kid has critic written all over her -- have you ever seen the stink-eye she'll throw at a plate of unfamiliar food?

There's a small possibility that she might want to be a fairy princess, and I guess I can be okay with that, if she's more of the Tinkerbell variety of fairy. The kind with spunk and spite. She's not really a docile, doe-eyed Fairy Godmother type, but I can imagine her as a sort of Lucinda-from-"Ella-Enchanted." And I'm not going to lie: that would be kind of a little bit awesome. As long as she doesn't try to work any mojo on me.

Or maybe she'll want to be a dentist? That's a perfectly respectable occupation, if not a little bit sadistic. I personally think there is something a little bit off about people who poke others in the mouth for a living -- and I just went to the dentist at the beginning of the month, so don't tell me that there is no bleeding! -- but I also understand the importance of good oral hygiene.

Whaddaya think? I think the world is this kid's oyster. If she doesn't eat the oyster first.

My Kid Is More Awesome Than Me, Part #367,421,958

So, basically, I've gone for like ten whole days without busting out the magic camera once. I did take pictures, of course, because the lilacs in our yard look and smell spectacular, and that only lasts for a few days before the Butterfly Bush That Eats Cleveland overtakes it -- but I took those pictures with my iPhone (and Hipstamatic).

Now it is Friday, and I have nothing to write about, so I took picture's off Shae's Christmas Camera, and ... well, she's a better photographer than I am, even with cheap and dinky equipment. Let's review and discuss, shall we? (By the way: these pictures are all completely unedited, not even cropped, because I think they're just that impressive.)

The bookcase in the living room. This picture is old, several months old at least, because now the second shelf of this bookcase is completely full up with animated movies. Lots of them. Pixar films are our favorite, followed by DreamWorks animation, and then the old Disney movies. The traditionally animated Disneys should be higher, I think, because I am a fascist, but they do not look as fancy when upconverted to Blu-Ray, frankly. Disappointing.

And whatever new song they added to the "Beauty and the Beast" special edition DVD is an abomination unto the Lord. Let us never speak of it again.

Next we have a series of pictures that were all taken on the same day from the back seat of the car:

People pay large American dollars for special lenses, filters, and editing tools to get their pictures to do this, and she managed this effect with a Fisher-Price plastic number and a car seat. I really love those rainbow-prism effects. She's got an excellent eye. Soon the student will become the master.

It's very "Kung Fu Panda," if you think about it. There is no secret ingredient. (Oops, spoiler!)

Blair-Witch-style Facebook profile pic. Boogers FTW! And those eyelashes ought to be criminal. They're going to get her into trouble one day, no doubt.

Oh yes, I am a VERY LUCKY WOMAN. Control yourselves, ladies.