Not Ready For This Jelly

I have a myriad of psychological diseases -- genetic depression, dysthymia, body dysmorphia, seasonal affective disorder, possible borderline personality disorder -- but probably the weirdest one, and the one for which I have not yet found a suitable treatment, is what I like to call "jelly racism."

Simply put: I do not like grape jelly. Cannot abide the stuff.

I don't like any jelly, really, but grape really gives me the fits. Strawberry preserves? Yes, please. Orange marmalade? Oh yeah. Any various number of salsas and compotes and sauces and relishes and chutneys? Hey ya. But grape jelly? Gag me with a spoon.

Probably this is a sensory processing issue with me. I think grape jelly looks, tastes, and smells a lot like grape Jell-O. And there is a time and a place and a season for grape Jell-O, as there is for all things under God, but that time and place is NEVER on a peanut butter sandwich. Can you imagine? Two slices of nice bread, spread generously with your favorite brand of peanut butter (in my case, the chunkier the better, but I will totally go with creamy if there is nothing else in the house), and then ... completely ruined by adding Jell-O to the mix. Oh, the humanity! Why would people do that? It just does not compute with me.

Look, I eat my share of junk food. I have probably eaten half the world's share of junk food. I sincerely believe that Fluffernutters are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Don't tell anybody, but I have eaten "breadless" Fluffernutters before, just went ahead and scooped peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff right out of the jar and straight into my mouth. My idea of Heaven is treating myself to a "crunchy kryptonite heroin sandwich": white Wonder bread, with a generous amount of Jif extra chunky on one side and an equal amount of Fluff on the other side, plus a thin layer of Smucker's strawberry preserves in the middle, with a nice big glass of ice cold milk, eaten in the dark, in private, with no one around to bother me while I put myself into a diabetic coma, thankyouverymuch.

(Also: my Fluffernutters must be made with actual Marshmallow Fluff-brand marshmallow fluff, the kind that comes in the real glass jar, and not that Other Brand That Shall Not Be Named, which is an abomination unto the Lord, and also ghetto. I mean, I'll eat it if I absolutely have to -- let's be serious, here, it is still basically hydrogenated liquid confectioner's sugar in a jar, which is never a bad thing -- but I am totally brand loyal and the Marshmallow Fluff people should call me to give me a huge cash sponsorship deal, STAT, because I love that shit.)

Anyway. Grape jelly is gross. Eww. My therapist and I will be working on this one until approximately the end of time.


  1. what are you hungry???/

  2. i'm always hungry. I AM ON A DIET.

  3. And...yeah, I hate grape jelly too. And grape juice. Blech. I take communion grape juice at church like it's medicine. I think mine is the association with grape-flavored medicine as a kid, b/c I also despise cherry-flavored things now.