Before we get ahead of ourselves, I should mention that I am speaking metaphysically here, and not literally. The question is not "Can I still squeeze my big fat ass into a pair of Wonder Woman Underoos?" Because I already know the answer is no. Not even on Halloween, or for really awesome kinky sex. Hell no. Unless and until Lane Bryant starts selling novelty comic-book-based underpants, they're just not meant for me these days.
What I really mean is, at what point in your life do you become too damn old to need a costume and a secret identity so that you can vanquish your foes and just make it to the end of the goddamned day without crying and pulling out all your hair and threatening to quit 75,000 times?
Because apparently I haven't grown out of the phase where I see myself as a superhero, one of the good guys, and everyone who dares to oppose me is my sworn arch-enemy. While I'm busying fighting for truth, justice, and the American way, or whatever, everybody else is trying to oppress me, to bend me to their will, and I don't wanna.
I know I'm prone to melodrama, but it sucks going through life without superpowers. I mean, sure, I have the Amazing Brain, but in the comics the smart guy is either the Sidekick or the Evil Genius, and I'm not really cut out for either role. When is it my turn to be the hero? When do I get to fly around in my Invisible Jet and brandish my Magic Lasso of Truth and force the world to do my bidding? What if I promise to use my powers only for good? I don't want to take over the world; I just want to keep the Forces of Evil at bay for a little while so I can get some work done for a change without wondering who is trying to rat me out and take me down.
Alas, though, stupidity is my kryptonite, and the faces of the Rogues' Gallery are peopled with the narcissistic, entitled, and self-interested. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for morons and laziness and interpersonal politics. I don't like the way the world works, and mere mortal that I am, I so often feel powerless to change anything. Spend enough time on a cubicle farm and you begin to understand why the Dark Knight is so conflicted and misunderstood. Having Indestructible Gauntlets will only get you so far if you're not allowed to arm the Invisible Jet with nuclear missiles, you know?
But man ... if I still had Wonder Woman Underoos? Watch the hell out, world. Plus, I'd look killer in those boots.
(Picture credits here - sorry that I'm lame and haven't learned how to embed yet.)