Can't Talk, Eating

Hey, look! Two blog posts in the same calendar month! One month into 2015, and I'm still keeping one of my actual, CURRENT-YEAR resolutions! Go me!

Plus, this post is going to be about MULTIPLE resolutions at once. I win at ... something.

Anyway. When last we spoke, I mentioned a bunch of "guidelines" that I set for myself for this year and I am happy to report that I have been hard at work at #5 especially. Now that I have a semi-regular schedule (i.e., I work most days and am almost always home by 4:00, so I have time to make "real" dinner instead of just throwing random assorted frozen things on the table), I have been trying to expand my repertoire in the kitchen. I mean, I think I'm a pretty good cook anyway, but it never hurts to improve.

This means -- pretty much as I predicted -- that I'm experimenting a lot more frequently with recipes I find on Pinterest. And so far, I've found one that has been an absolute, unqualified slam dunk, and so I am sharing it here.

But first (OF COURSE), a story, which begins thusly: I just CAN'T with pancakes.

I mean, I love pancakes. LOVE THEM. That's the problem. One is never enough. Three are usually not enough. Add in butter, syrup, etc., and I end up feeling fluffy and sluggish for the whole day. (Carbs!) But I love them, and my daughter and husband love them, and I feel so ... difficult when I make them for everyone else, but don't eat them myself. Difficult, and sad. Everyone else has a plate full of golden-brown hotcake deliciousness in front of them, and I'm eating a sad little serving of scrambled eggs.

Enter the cream cheese crȇpe.

This recipe has been floating around Pinterest for a while, usually under something like "low-carb pancakes." I tend to stay away from recipes like that, because many low-carb recipes out there contain ingredients I can't eat or don't like -- almond flour (allergic), coconut oil (not worth the cost, I don't think), Stevia (ick), erythritol (what?). But I found one that has two ingredients, both of which I (1) recognize and (2) have in my house.

Cream cheese and eggs. That's it. WHAT?

Believe it or not: these are GOOD. I don't know what kind of culinary alchemy makes cream cheese and eggs (plus a little bit of vanilla extract, which I add, because I never follow recipes exactly) turn into something that tastes almost exactly like pancakes when you pour the batter out of a blender, but HELLO LOVER.

I made these for the first time about a week ago, and they were good. I was not 100% satisifed with how they turned out -- I had trouble getting them to come out "pretty" -- but they tasted fine, and instead of syrup, I only needed a little bit of topping. In that first batch, I only used three half-teaspoons of blueberry preserves (half a teaspoon on top of each crȇpe), and it was enough.

But, as I said, I wasn't completely sold. They were good enough, but not perfect. Something wasn't quite right. I needed a second taster to try these and guess what was wrong with them, or tell me I was bananas for liking them so much, or something.

We tried them again this morning, and this time they were an unqualified success. My husband declared this recipe "a keeper" -- and I'll agree, especially because I figured out what was wrong with the last batch.

Here's the recipe: 3 ounces of softened cream cheese (lowfat cream cheese [American Neufchâtel] will work just fine) and 3 large eggs (or equivalent -- I used 2 medium eggs and 1/3 cup Egg Beaters). That's all. I added about 1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract, but you don't need to. Mix in a blender or Magic Bullet-type device, then pour onto a heated griddle or skillet. You'll get 6-8 crȇpes from this recipe, depending on how big you make them. They'll be thin -- they're crȇpes, after all -- but they taste like pancakes (somehow!) and satisfy that craving. I don't know how, but they do. Magic, maybe?

When I made this batch, I put about half a teaspoon of preserves in the middle of each crȇpe and then rolled them up, with a little extra of the top, and a squirt of whipped cream to look pretty. They tasted AMAZING, even better than last time, when I used all Egg Beaters.

And now I can have pancakes with everyone else. THE END.

As If We Never Said Goodbye

Forgive me, Internet people, for I have sinned. It has been 420 days since my last confession.

There is literally no reason for this picture to be here ... and yet, here we are.

(No, wait: that’s not true. It’s been 17 days since my last confession -- yes, really! -- but it’s been 420 days since my last blog post, which is what I really mean. Or, at least, that’s all you care about, anyway. Which is fine, because nobody cares how often I go to confession. Except maybe that poor priest who had to hear my first actual confession in 15 years. But he’s not allowed to rat me out, so you’ll just have to sit there and stew in your own juices and wonder what I had to confess after all that time.)

[Okay, fine. Can’t have you all worrying about me since it’s been so darned long. I’ll give you the short version, which is basically what I gave that priest, anyway: you know those Commandment thingies? I broke just about all of them except the ones about murder and adultery. I’m also pretty sure that I committed all of the Cardinal Sins, too, especially gluttony. I mean, Meghan Trainor might be all about that bass, but my “good-butt” jeans are most decidedly not.]

{Oops, there I go busting out the Pride already. But trust me: I still fit into these pants right now, and I intend to keep it that way, and if that’s sinful pride (prideful sin?), so be it.}

Gaaah, that’s a lot of parenthetical-type markings at the beginning of a blog post. ANYWAY. The point of all of this is to say that one of my resolutions for 2015 is to post more often. You know: like, more than once every 1⅙ years.

INCIDENTALLY, if you happened to find yourself wondering what I did during my mostly unintentional (yes, really!) hiatus, allow me to direct you to my Instagram and Twitter feeds. If you don’t know what those are (hi, Mom!), then let’s just say I spent a lot of time having something vaguely resembling a “normal” life, reading everything I could get my hands on, and trying to figure out (1) what in the Dickens my kid means when the words come out of her mouth and (2) where in the Dickens she picks these things up, anyway.

Oh, and I stopped being a grad student and became an actual, real-life, certified teacher of 7th-12th grade English Language Arts in the state of Pennsylvania. I have all kinds of paperwork to prove it and everything (including the student loan bills). They’re somewhere in this house, anyway. I can tell you where my diploma is, at least. Which, if you know anything about my life, is definitely progress. Victory in our time!

Anyway, I fully intend to get back to business now, beginning with my New Year’s resolutions. Except: I don’t really “do” resolutions, really. I mean, I make them, just like everyone else, but I also break them pretty easily (see: my attempts to learn to make a flaming dessert, which have been ongoing for approximately eleventeen years at this point).

But now that I’m mumble-something years old, I’ve finally gotten around to realizing that broken resolutions aren’t really fractured promises so much as they are detours -- or maybe I mean “scenic routes.” Sometimes you have to break a resolution in order to find out if it was one worth making in the first place. So I guess what I am saying is that I plan to make these resolutions more like guidelines (not unlike recipes and speed limit signs).

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Blog more often. (See paragraph 5, above … the one after the {squiggle brackets}.) This one is self-explanatory and doesn’t require any clarification; yet here I am, writing at least one whole additional compound-complex sentence about it, including a properly-placed but entirely gratuitous semicolon.
2. Treat myself better. Not necessarily in a “splurge” sort of sense (although I do intend to at least try to get massages and pedicures more often), but more in the “give myself at least a small break once in a while” kind of way. Stop beating myself up for small mistakes and lapses in judgement. Wear my “good-butt” jeans just because. Have an extra pudding cup because I want to.
3. Take better care of myself. Again, not the usual “stop eating food that tastes good and work out 4 hours a day.” I’m 40 years old -- it’s okay, I’m fine with it, really -- and I’ve been on a diet for, like, 39½ of those years. That isn’t what I mean. (Although I do need to lose weight and exercise more.) Of course I’ll refocus my efforts on eating healthy food and not having Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for dinner four nights a week. But I should also get a mammogram and a Pap smear and maybe some baseline blood work to make sure that my blood isn’t made up of 75% bacon grease. And I should definitely check in with a therapist for a tune-up.
4. Keep learning. One of the things that I learned (or that was reinforced) while I was in grad school was how much I love to learn new things. I completely changed careers and lines of intellectual inquiry, which was so revitalizing for me. I know I was annoying, and I appreciate everyone who tolerated (and continues to tolerate!) my insufferable excitement. But I know I’m not done learning, and I want to keep learning something new every day.
5. Try new things. This is, of course, related to “Keep learning” -- but the differences between those two resolutions are vast. It’s one thing to know who The Doctor is, but something altogether different to experience Doctor Who. I like to know what my students are reading, but it’s important to also read those things as well. Knowing and understanding are not the same, and unless I try to apply the things I have learned, my “personal education” will always be incomplete. (This might mean that I make more Pinterest recipes or try again to tackle Don Quixote; hard to say how this one will pan out. Hopefully this will give me plenty of things to blog about this year.)

So. I guess I’m back. And already it’s as if we never said goodbye. (Probably because we didn’t, but still.)

Orange Crush

(... except in this case, the item I am crushing on smells like tangerines. But there aren't any really good song titles I could thing of to use here, so I went with the old R.E.M. ditty instead. I love R.E.M., still, even though they're only 75% of the band they once were. As long as Mike Mills is around to wear those pseudo-Elvis jumpsuits, and as long as MichaelStipe remains his incomprehensible self, I will always love R.E.M. Sue me. And to my college roommate from freshman year, wherever you are: SUCK IT.)

Anyway. As you know because I told you already, I am trying to be more "green" this year. It's going to be a gradual process for us, because I have had bad experiences with "natural" cleaning products before. Oh, no, this is not my first rodeo. I have had my organic macrobiotic vegetarian phases. Not for long, granted -- I honestly believe that if God did not want people to eatcheesesteaks, then He wouldn't have made them taste so good -- but I have always had crunchy hippie granola pinko commie tendencies.

This time I want it to stick, and I also want to help other people learn from our daring misadventures. So as we try new stuff, I'm going to review it here. If I do this right, this will serve two purposes: (1) all of you will know what to try and what not to try if you decide you want to do this yourselves, and (2) word will get out to Major International Corporations that I am willing to review their stuff on my blog and I will get Sponsorship Opportunities and possibly even fabulous wealth.

Which will be interesting, to say the least, because I don't have ads here, and also because I am going to tell you if stuff sucks.

Obviously, since this post is titled "Orange Crush," I am going to be reviewing something I actually like today: Green Works Natural Dishwashing Liquid, part of the Green Works line by the Clorox Company. This entire line of cleaning products has been recognized by the EPA's "Design for the Environment Program" for environmentally preferable chemistry. Green Works "defined natural using three core principles. The ingredients must come from renewable resources, be biodegradable and free of petrochemicals." They are also not tested on animals.

We've been using the Simply Tangerine dish soap since sometime before Christmas, when I picked up a bottle on sale at Wal-Mart. I had tried another brand of "natural" dish detergent at my mother-in-law's, and I liked it, so when we ran out of our regular stuff -- we've usually been a Dawn family before, although recently we've also used Joy because some of those "flavors" are nice -- I thought I would give this stuff a try. $2! If we hated it, big whoop, it was only $2!

Except we really do like it. It gets our dishes clean, which is what it's supposed to do. It feels just like "ordinary" dish soap -- same general consistency and texture. We use about the same amount as we do with any other product. (In the past I have tried brands that contained more water and so we had to use more of it.) It rinses clean and smells nice. Not a heavy fragrance, just ... nice. I remember that I had the plague around Christmas, and when my head finally cleared and I could smell things again, I was really impressed with how nice this stuff smelled.

My only complaint about it (and it's really so stupid that it hardly warrants mentioning, but I want to be as thorough as possible) is that, if you are prone to leaving the bottle uncapped, as we are, sometimes the soap will firm up and block the spout. However, we are able to resolve this easily enough by snapping the lid shut and then reopening it. (I said it was stupid.) I believe this is from the coconut-based cleaning agents in combination with my cold kitchen. It's definitely not enough of a problem to keep us from trying this again.

PROS: Natural, clean smell, works as advertised.
CONS: Sometimes messy due to operator error.

I don't have a rating system for this stuff -- just know that I like this flavor, and this product, and I would use it again. We will try other scents but at this time of year in particular, I like the smell of citrus, which is why I went for the Simply Tangerine. Other flavors are Water Lily, Simply Lemon, and Free & Clear (no colorants or perfumes). Cost is between $2-$4, depending on where you shop and whether you have coupons or sales. Brand has been endorsed by the Sierra Club and Good Housekeeping. RECOMMENDED.


PS -- Why, yes, I am procrastinating instead of finishing my resolutions list ... but you all already know how much I suck at managing my own life.

The One After #3

In the continuing story of my new year's resolutions, currently in progress, I now bring you ...

(4) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO PROCRASTINATE LESS AND "PROACTIVATE" MORE. I really need to stop putting things off and then half-assing them. I've been doing it forever, but now that we have the Cupcake, we don't "get around to it later" all that much. So I really want to start being more conscious of what and when I am doing things. Rough drafts of blog posts, etc. More content and less diversions. This year, I resolve to procrastinate less and "proactivate" more. But not until later.

Quick! Be distracted by this picture of my kid doing something cute and kid-like!

All I Can Do Is Write About It

So ... resolutions. We're already week into the new year and I haven't come up with any yet. This is in large part because I suck at life, but also because I suck at keeping my own resolutions that I haven't even committed to paper yet. Dumbass. Oh, look, there's another resolution I've broken! Dear God in heaven, I am a freaking moron. But I pretty much expected this anyway, and if I have learned only one thing in my 35 years on this planet, it is that I am notoriously bad at sticking to things (except husbands, apparently).

I think everybody kind of resents making New Year's resolutions, at least a little bit. It's tough enough to face the hangover from cheap champagne and too much crab dip, but it's tougher still to face the realization that you're imperfect in so many ways and that pretty much everything about yourself needs to change or else: Doom! Foreboding! Recession! Armageddon! Riots! Fires! Mudslides! Sushi in the mall! Or maybe that's just me -- I am kind of a worst-case-scenario sort of thinker, which certainly makes my messianic tendencies ... interesting.

But tough as it is, I actually want to confront what is wrong with me this year -- well, some of what is wrong with me, anyway. Going head-to-head with my demons is a very frightening prospect if I jump right into the deep water, and it would end up taking me to a very dark, dank place that I am not yet fully ready to visit. (Illidan: "You are not prepared.") And I know this much: I am NOT going to jump into that whirlpool just yet, because I'm not sure whether I can swim back out right now. I need to do what I can right now, and save some battles for another day.

Maybe I can't chase all the monsters from under my bed in one year, but if I do this right, maybe I can get those goblins to look more like Sulley and less like ... I don't know, that clown from "It" or something. (What? Clowns creep me right the fuck out.)

Taking all that into consideration, and also keeping in mind that I really wanted to come up with some resolutions that are (1) possible for me to keep, and also (2) potentially going to make a good story if I fail spectacularly, I have come up with this sad little list of things that I want to work on this year. Yes, these are primarily superficial. Yes, these are probably a pathetic attempt at polishing the giant turd that is my life sometimes. But you know what? Baby steps, grasshopper: change your environment, change your outlook, change your life. Maybe. At least try.

And anyway, this is only Part One. (Oh my God, do I ever shut up?)

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(1) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO CLEAN MY ROOM. I put this at the top of the list because it's probably the most horrifying, difficult, and embarrassing of all the resolutions I could have possibly come up with. As I was putting together different variations of this list, this is the one I kept coming back to, so I know it needs to be here. So I begin 2009 with a confession: my bedroom? Is a fiasco. Not exactly dirty, but it's just ... overloaded. Full of clutter. Multiple hampers full of clean laundry that needs to be sorted and put away. Dust and books and tchotchkes.

This resolution might also be problematic because it's not something I will be able to do on my own. G is going to need to help me. It's really OUR mess, and we need to dig ourselves out together. We keep Cupcake's room clean, we put her laundry away in a timely manner, we donate outgrown and unwanted and unused toys and books -- but we are doing this for her, trying to set a good example that we are not following ourselves. I need to be the responsible adult I want her to be, so: this year, I resolve to clean my room.

(2) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO BE MORE "GREEN" WHEN I CLEAN. Partly related to my top resolution, but partly a stand-alone endeavor. We recycle and reuse, and are already working on reducing where we can. There is much more we can do -- switchlightbulbs , adjust the thermostats, go back to carpooling once the adoption is final and we can change our schedules back -- and we are gradually trying to change our lifestyles so that these things are automatic to us, and will be automatic for our daughter.

The next step logical step in the process, for me anyway, is to start replacing our regular cleaning products with "green" cleaners. We have already done this with our liquid dish detergent -- remember, baby steps! -- and when I go to the store today to buy fabric softener, I will be buying an eco-friendly product. I am still researching bathroom and kitchen cleansers to find ones that will sufficiently sanitize (I like my sinks and toilets to be clean enough for surgery) and welcome feedback and suggestions. Starting this year, I resolve to be more "green" when I clean.

(3) THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO BE MORE "AWARE" WHEN I SHOP. This is both a sociopolitical and an economic position that I am trying to take. Money is tight, so of course price is a factor when I need to buy things, but I also want to feel good about my purchases. Doesn't mean I'm about to start buying only "Made in the USA" items, although if they are cost-effective I will try. But instead of always getting new things all the time, I will start checking thrift and consignment shops for gently used clothes and stuff like laundry baskets.

Of all my resolutions, I think this one might be the hardest, but it's the one single thing that I think is the most valuable. I mean, in 2008 we donated close to a dozen bags of clothes to thrift stores. We did it to make room for the baby first, and for the tax write-off second, but now that I know the kind of good that groups like Goodwill do for the community, it makes sense to try to support them as much as possible. And why pay full retail price for Cupcake's clothes when she's growing out of them before she can wear some of them? In 2009, I resolve to be more "aware" when I shop.

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I am working on some more -- funny ones, I hope, but this year is the first time in a while that I am taking my resolutions seriously -- but I wanted to get these out there, "permanently," so I can keep reminding myself what I'm supposed to be working on. (And not that you asked, but? "Stop procrastinating so much" is totally going to be on the rest of the list, in some form.)

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

So. Apparently I made some New Year's Resolutions for 2008. Before I start breaking my resolutions for 2009, let's see how I did in the past year (edited for brevity, because if you really want to read all the side notes, you can just click-a-roo and stuff) -- I added my comments at the end of each and crossed out the stuff I actually did:

10. Make a flaming dessert. -- EPIC FAIL. No flaming desserts this year.

9. Be less artsy and more fartsy. -- EPIC FAIL. Have you seen some of the goofy things I did to pictures of my kid?

8. Stop getting into discussions about the Philadelphia Eagles. -- FAIL. I was doing OK when they stank out loud and nobody thought they were going anywhere, and also when our entire city was basking in the delicious glow of the Phillies' World Series win, and then, BOOM! Holy crap, how did this team make it to the playoffs this year?

7. Eat more vegetables. -- This one is a WIN!, surprisingly. Well, maybe not so surprisingly, actually. We are trying to teach the Cupcake good eating habits, and the best way to do that is to have a few of your own. Also, I actually do like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and creamed spinach, so it's not like it's a chore to eat these things.

6. Learn to say "please," "thank you," and "fast" in as many languages as possible. -- EPIC FAIL. But I've been busy changing diapers, watching Dora, and blowing shit up in WoW, so it's not like I have any spare time or anything.

5. Forgive Santa for giving my husband "Guitar Hero II" for Christmas. -- Accidental WIN! Because of (1) WoW and (2) Cupcake. We haven't played "Guitar Hero" in months. Cupcake, on the other hand ...

4. Somehow, some way, forget the words to "Surrender" and "Possum Kingdom." -- Another accidental WIN! Mostly because I haven't listened to much music in the past few months that wasn't written by the Laurie Berkner Band or sung by freaky-ass live-action figurines.

3. Blog more regularly. -- WIN! Now that I have something to blog about.

2. Finish the goddamned novel that I have been writing in my head. -- EPIC FAIL. For now, anyway. I couldn't finish NaNoWriMo, but someday I will write a damn book. It might be a memoir, but it will get written.

1. Live well, laugh often, and love much. Especially myself. -- WORK IN PROGRESS. The living and the laughing and the loving of other people, I can do. Myself, not always so much. But I will continue to work on it.

I'm going to give myself partial credit for that last one, so I completed about 45% of my resolutions for the last year. It's an "F," of course, but all things considered ... I'll take it. I like to set the bar high.

Happy New Year and Shit

With about 19 minutes to go before the ball drops and 2008 begins, and about 20 minutes to go before my sorry old ass can get to sleep, I figure now is as good a time as any to reveal my latest batch of resolutions. Well, not resolutions, per se -- it's really hard to improve yourself when you're a veritable Mary Poppins*. But stuff I'd like to work on in the new year, just the same:

10. Make a flaming dessert. Not "learn to make one," because I already know how to make at least three (two of them intentionally), but actually commit to actually making one.

9. Be less artsy and more fartsy.

8. Stop getting into discussions with anyone about the Philadelphia Eagles. If necessary, I will use my father's gambit on this and say that "my anger management counselor told me I am not 'allowed' to discuss religion, politics, or sports."

7. Eat more vegetables.

6. Learn to say "please," "thank you," and "fast" in as many languages as possible, in case I ever end up on The Amazing Race. Also, learn to drive stick shift.

5. Forgive Santa for giving my husband "Guitar Hero II" for Christmas.

4. Somehow, some way, forget the words to "Surrender" and "Possum Kingdom," and replace them with the words to "Strutter," "Tattoo Love Boys," and "Jessica." Heh.

3. Blog more regularly.

2. Finish the goddamned novel that I have been writing in my head, little by little and piece by piece, since I read my first Judy Blume book when I was 8 years old.

1. Live well, laugh often, and love much. Especially myself.

And not that you asked, but the best part of the last year? This minute, right here:

* = Practically perfect in every way. Heh.