Send in the Clowns

(NOTE: This is long and overwrought and very emo, and possibly upsetting. This was a big ol' stream of consciousness thing that I wrote. You can skip it if you want -- the pictures aren't that great anyway. I almost didn't publish this, but I decided to anyway, for two reasons: (1) these are real feelings, and (2) I feel better for having gotten it out, which is kind of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. I'm fine. I'll be fine. I have to be, and I want to be. You can worry, but know that I have this stuff on the radar, and I am monitoring myself, and I won't actually GET out of control. I just FEEL out of control, sometimes. YMMV, and QED, and etc.)

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This time last year, I was was practically swimming in bliss, what with my team winning the World Series and my guy winning the election and things just generally going much more my way than things are right at this particular moment in time. I'm not exactly talking myself off the ledge, not quite, but ...

... well, let me put it this way: did you ever have one of those days when you have, like, tunnel vision, and all you can see is what's going on right in front of you, and that's probably okay anyway because what's happening off to the side there sounds a little bit terrifying, but anyway you're staring straight ahead trying to concentrate and then all of the sudden you notice that there is a very weighty darkness rapidly closing in around you and you feel this moist hot sulfurous breath on the back of your neck and then you blink and when you open your eyes all you can see is this pinpoint of light on the horizon and suddenly the panting is getting heavier behind you?

No? Just me?

G is still out of work, and right now I am the breadwinner in our family, and let me tell you something about that: my (not-so) inner feminist is at full-on DEFCON-5. It's one thing to be the moneymaker when you want to, when you and he are separate-but-equal-partners, when your marriage is new and you are both young and strong. But when you have to? When there are kids and pets and mortgage payments? When you've been constantly working for 10+ years without breaks except for the obligatory occasional week of vacation and you're old and tired? Whole 'nother ballgame, buster. This is quidditch on the moon.

The fact that there are only 40-something days until Christmas and I have barely started my shopping, barely even started thinking about my shopping, barely even started considering thinking about my shopping, probably gives away how bad things are getting, in my head at least. How can I worry about Christmas presents when I am busy worrying about how we're going to make two car payments and a mortgage payment and a daycare payment with only one job? It's come to this: I am having a hard time justifying spoiling my own child, the child we wanted so long and worked so hard for, because I just can't make the cost-benefit analysis work. Even as I say it myself, it's the saddest and stupidest thing I've ever heard.

And then I think, "If it's this bad for us, how bad must it be for others? The ones with no jobs, no severance, no unemployment, no nothing? How bad must it be for them?" And I can do something for them, I know I can, if I am willing to sacrifice some of the little bit we still have, but ... then again. Then again. They just did a round of layoffs where I work. I know I am lucky to have a job right now. I have survivor's guilt, I guess. I am becoming overwhelmed with all of it. Sometimes I worry myself right into nausea. I need to out my head between my knees. I can't hardly sleep.

I mean, maybe I exaggerate a little bit, but I am starting to hit panic mode right now and I'm not sure how to keep the sky from swirling over me while the earth spins out of control underneath my feet in this maelstrom of my own making. I am starting to crack under the pressure and I wonder sometimes if we're going to make it, G and I, our little family. I feel like I'm going looneypants. Some days I am sad, and some days I am angry, and some days it's a struggle to get out of bed, and some days I am so consumed with so many emotions at once that I force myself to feel absolutely nothing in self-defense. Fuck off, world! Die in a fire.

This is depression, probably a big one, and I know this. I can feel it like a giant octopus or a big hairy spider, twisting its legs around my ribs and squeezing until I can't run and can't move and can't breathe and can't scream. But I can't be bothered with this, I can't, I just can't be depressed right now, not with him depressed and people around me depressed and the whole damn world depressed. I'm the positive one. I'm the cockeyed optimist. I'm Little Miss Sunshine. I'm the Little Engine That Could.

And here I am, standing in the tunnel, and it's getting darker and darker and that panting behind me is getting louder and louder and that tiny point of light is getting farther and farther away and now I'm starting to hear calliope music, which means here come the horrible flesh-eating clowns, and I think it's going to be getting a lot worse before it gets better, and I'm barely hanging on to this high wire here already. Please, send help. And a flashlight.

Afternoon Delight

My husband got laid off from work last week. He had been with the company for more than nine years, since just around our first anniversary, when we moved from that gigantic crappy flea-infested place in the Poconos to the teeny little basement apartment in Quakertown. It's not really my story to tell, it's his, but I thought I'd mention it, because it warrants mentioning. Definitely it helps to explain why I may be a bit "on-and-off" lately.

We're fine, just so you know. Still a little disoriented, still trying to find our bearings and the missing socks and underwear and Little People, still trying to work out a schedule that works for the both of us -- so, you know, living our lives pretty much as usual. Maybe we're a little more concerned about money than we used to be, and perhaps we're being a little more boring and quiet than is strictly normal in our house, but that could also be due to the various and sundry plagues that he and I have had on and off for the last approximately eleventy thousand weeks.

One of the unintended and unexpected benefits of this change is that he and I both get to spend more "quality" time with Shae. We've left her in school for full days, for now anyway, because she really loves it and seems to be doing great. But now she starts a little later and gets done a little earlier, and we're not constantly in a rush to get her up and dressed and packed and ready to go. I am going in to work earlier, which means I get done earlier, so I am home before dark now, and we can all spend a little time playing outside while the weather is nice.

Shae loves being outside -- my goodness, she pitches a right holy fit if we try to make her go back in the house before she's ready. Yesterday we played some catch and some soccer, did some climbing on the playhouse, inspected the back steps and walkway for bugs, and smelled the flowers.

And we took some time out to blow on the dandelions, because hey, why not? (Where do kids learn this, anyway? I know I never taught her to pick that fuzzy flower there and blow on it and watch what happens. It must just be something that all little girls know, that is programmed into their DNA, like how we all just automatically know the lyrics to "I Will Survive.")

I wish I knew what to say (as either a feminist, or just a mom in general) about this "Girls Gone Wild!" foolishness -- she just doesn't understand that "nice girls" don't pull their shirts all the way up over their heads to show people their bellies. And she loves to show people her belly (she has pregnant teachers and I think she thinks there's a baby in there). I see this picture and I think, "My God, does this kid have a tapeworm?" She eats all day long and is always hungry and doesn't seem to gain weight. I'm so jealous.

The really good news is that Shae doesn't seem to realize that there is anything different going on; we're not hiding anything, but we're not running around the house yelling "Daddy is out of work oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" either. We're trying to make the best of a situation that, let's face it, could be way worse than it is. I mean, aside from the fact that you can practically see her intestines (does she have a tapeworm?), does it really look like this kid is deprived in any way?

We'll be fine, seriously. After a couple of sandwiches.

Urgent Shopping News That Maybe Affects Only Me

Pfaltzgraff outlet stores are closing! Yikes! I like shopping there to pick up extra pieces to my wedding pattern set, because of course the outlet prices are fantastic. All outlets should be closed by the end on the year -- bonus for this year's Christmas shopping, but bad news hereafter. Of course, Pfaltzgraff dishes will still be available online and in regular retail stores after the outlet stores close.

Fear and Loathing

Because I am not brain-dead or living on another planet, I am aware that right now the Universal Financial Situation is somewhere significantly south of shit and that I really need to be patient and careful and budget-conscious about all my purchases right now, but ... I have $601.50 in my Christmas Club account and I really, really, really want to start shopping.

I can't remember how long I've had a Christmas Club -- three years, maybe? It was after we bought the house, I know that much, so sometime after 2003. That and the Vacation Club are maybe the smartest financial decisions I've ever made in my life until my scratch-and-win-retirement-plan-investment-hedge-fund starts turning a profit.

But I love having a Christmas Club for a totally retarded reason, which is not "so that I can spend cash only on holiday gifts and not have to put anything on a credit card," although that is a nice plus too, since I don't, technically, have much credit available on my cards. To me that's just a minor advantage, though, and only partway worth mentioning.

The real reason why I love my Christmas Club is because I hate people, and therefore shopping, and since I get the disbursement in October, most years I have about 75% of my holiday gifts bought and wrapped before Halloween, and generally I am 95% of the way done by Thanksgiving, which is AWESOME, because I can avoid the crowds.

Of course I've done a lot of online shopping in the last few years -- hello Amazon Prime! -- and the added bonus of that is that I can usually get good deals on stuff and if I play my cards right and bother to check my emails regularly, I can often get free shipping, which ends up making my online purchases cheaper than going to the mall.

I learned these Retail Commando skills from my mother, the Queen of the Bargain, who regularly goes to discount retail stores looking for, say, dishtowels, and ends up coming home with Stuart Weitzman shoes for $15. Or she'll leave at 7am for a big community yard sale, and she'll take $12 and a bottle of water with her, and she'll come home with three big garbage bags full of clothes for the Cupcake.

So when she tells me that I should wait a little while to start shopping, I can't help but trust her judgement. "No one will have much money for the holidays," she says. She's no Henry Paulson or Ben Bernanke, but she's been a pretty reliable economic advisor so far. But ... how long do I wait? When is a good time to start? It's already October 11th, and I only have one thing bought. I don't want to fall behind and end up overwhelmed.

What do you think? Start in November? Early? Middle? Late? This is our first Christmas with the Cupcake, and while we are making a concerted effort to not go overboard, we're still doing something. Will I still be able to get smoking-hot discounts on Duplo blocks if I wait until after Thanksgiving? This is uncharted territory for me. I'm nervous and anxious already ... I'm scared. Hold me.

[UPDATE - 6:45 PM -- Went to the outlets this afternoon to do some reconnaissance and get some exercise. Acquired a lovely outfit for the Cupcake, brand new with tags, and IN SEASON, at The Children's Place for $6.48 -- no, really. (Full disclosure: Is also on sale in the mall store, but I saved an additional $2.50 or so at the outlet, and considering it was under $10 to begin with -- BIG savings there, like an extra 25%.) I love outlet shopping, except when I hate it, along with Life, the Universe, and Everything.]