10.31.2007

Things I Have Been For Halloween In The Last 10 Years (that I can remember):

What I Am For Halloween This Year:

  • Overworked
  • Underpaid
  • Overstressed
  • Underappreciated

How I Am Celebrating Halloween At Work:

(UPDATE!!) Halloween iPod Playlist:

  • "Werewolves of London" -- Warren Zevon
  • "Sympathy for the Devil" -- Rolling Stones
  • "Monster Mash" -- Bobby "Boris" Pickett
  • "Thriller" -- Michael Jackson
  • "Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)" -- Concrete Blonde
  • "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- Charlie Daniels Band
  • "King Tut" -- Steve Martin
  • "Witchy Woman" -- Eagles
  • "Ghostbusters" -- Ray Parker, Jr.
  • "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" -- Jimi Hendrix
  • "Rock Lobster" -- B-52's
  • "Zombie" -- The Cranberries
  • "The Time Warp" -- from Rocky Horror Picture Show
  • "I Want Candy" -- Bow Wow Wow
  • "Nightmare on My Street" -- DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince
  • "Don't Fear the Reaper" -- Blue Öyster Cult
  • "Bark at the Moon" -- Ozzy Osbourne
  • Zombified (entire album) -- Southern Culture on the Skids

Happy Halloween, Boils & Ghouls!

10.29.2007

Tek 10:28-2007
"So it is written; and so it shall be. Amen."


10.23.2007

This Mid-Life Crisis Moment is being brought to you by the letters E, A, H, and S, and by the numbers 92 and 15.

So ... 15 years, 4 months, and 11 days ago, I graduated from high school. I was 18 at the time, which makes me 33 years old now. (Remember that for the next time you hear someone ask me how old I am, because odds are I won't be telling that person the truth. Usually, I round up and say I am "almost 40," so people will tell me how good I look -- "ohmigod, you don't look 40!" To which I humbly but nonetheless knowingly reply, "Thanks." Because I am vain and selfish and I will get my compliments however I can; I don't look like I'm almost 40. Because I am not. It's a weird ethical calculus, I guess, but in my head it makes sense. Yes, I know I am kind of a jerk that way, but being smart and being jerky are not binary conditions. But I am digressing.)

I have been poking around, and it doesn't look like my class has a reunion scheduled before the end of the year. Those people suck. For some reason, this comes as a great disappointment to me. To be perfectly frank, the odds of my voluntarily attending my high school reunion are approximately equal to the odds of me getting myself sperminated by Josh Beckett anyone who isn't my husband. Which is to say, about (-1)ⁿ against. (Definitely take the under on that one, boys and girls.) I know I am fifteen years removed from the alleged so-called end of my adolescence, but let's face it: I am still bitter. High school sucked hard, and I don't like remembering it if I don't have to.

Just the same, I am disappointed that there doesn't appear to be anything going on. Paranoid schizophrenic sociopath that I am, I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of personal affront. I didn't go to the last reunion either -- I was even more bitter and crazy then than I am now. What if I missed out on a crucial memo or something? What if all the cocktail napkins had some top-secret password on them that I am supposed to enter into a special website where I can download all the specs of the mission? How am I supposed to know what is going on?

These feelings are weird, even to me, because I am not really all that interested in what everyone else is doing. I went through that not that long ago (OK, wow, a year ago already?), and it took me to a very ugly and unpleasant place that I am not particularly interested in visiting right now. But when I have to think about high-school-related events that I plan to avoid, it makes me think about high-school-related events that I would like to relive, and it makes me kind of sad to realize that there really aren't that many of them.

Essentially -- and I mean zero disrespect to anyone who actually knew me in high school -- my entire highlight reel of high school looks like this:

Greece. 1992. April, I think. In this picture are, left to right, Ellyson Stout, Analia Regina, me, and Vivian Schoeppner. (Not pictured is the 100 lbs. or so that I have gained since then, but don't worry -- it's mostly boobs and anyway, I carry it well. Shut up.) In the background is the Acropolis. That is one of the bluest skies that I have ever seen, before or since. Even with all the smog, the noise and the pollution and the zillions of people, I can't remember anything ever smelling so sweet. Freedom. The whole wide world, laid out in front of me, and I was going to take it on, guns blazing. I was going to be a sportscaster, dammit! I was going to do play-by-play on Monday Night Football, ferchrissakes.

Wait ... I was pissed because those people suck? Hmm. Guess I'm the sucker.

10.22.2007

This blog post is titled "My Life, In Words and Pictures Misappropriated from Teh Intartubes."

Two days ago, it was a great day because

yay caturday

Caturdays are full of win and awesome. I love Caturdays. Everybody loves Caturdays.

The next day it was Sunday -- not Caturday, but is OK -- and Sunday was also a great day because

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

But today it is Monday, and Mondays are full of lose and pleh and also I had an interview and I feel like I am

Doomed

And also it is month end and so

i-has-to-work-overtime-again-today-do-not-want.jpg

Please send money for an escape, OK? And booze. Lots and lots of booze.

10.15.2007

Is anyone else having panic attacks because it's already October 15th and they only have two Christmas presents purchased? No? Just me? Really? I'm the only one?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?


Ahem ... sorry about that. I don't remember when I started competing with myself over how early I could complete my Christmas shopping, but I do know this: already, I am panicking. Every day, I spend about an hour working on The List. What I want to get for whom. What I already got them. What stores and websites are having sales. What gifts go in what paper. What the theme will be this year.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T DO "THEMES"?

I always do themes for Christmas, although I don't always know what the themes are going to be ahead of time. Sometimes I'm a few gifts in for each person before I decide. One year I did this whole big hockey theme for G. The big gift was a pair of Flyers tickets, and I filled his stocking with a bunch of hockey movies, like "Miracle" and "Mystery, Alaska" and "Slapshot." There were even ice skaters on his Annual Christmas Underpants.

OH, COME ON NOW -- I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANNUAL CHRISTMAS UNDERPANTS, AM I?

So far I feel like I am stranded in Christmasland without a map. And I am losing my mind. Although I hate the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, not to mention the fruitcakes (by which I mean: my crazy-ass muffing* family), I secretly really do think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. It's an excuse to spend money, sure, but it's also an excuse for getting dolled up and crinkly shiny paper and stealing tape from work to secure every little edge and corner.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING BY TELLING ME I GO OVERBOARD WITH THE TAPE. SERIOUSLY, ARE WE EVEN RELATED?

It's a good thing that they don't shut down access to shopping websites at work, because I'll be spending a lot of my so-called "spare time" over the next few months at Amazon and eBay and Overstock and all my other favorite vendors looking for those perfect little things that will fit into the budget and which will say, "I love you, (relative), but I don't like you enough to pay full retail price, and I hope you understand."

NO, IT IS NOT "THE THOUGHT" THAT COUNTS! IT IS THE DISCOUNT, DAMMIT!

It's also getting to be that time when I have to start mentally rearranging the living room furniture and maybe picking out some new curtains so that I can get the perfect tree and lovingly decorate it with just the right amount of lights and arrange the ornaments in just the best formation so that when I put the star on top I can hear the angels sing and there will be peace on earth and goodwill towards men for like 15 whole minutes until our 30-lbs. felonious felines figure out how to knock down a two-ton Frasier fir so that I am cleaning up sap from between the slats of the hardwood floor for months.

OH, SHUT UP! ALSO: SO WHAT IF I HAD THE MORAVIAN STAR UP UNTIL MEMORIAL DAY LAST YEAR! IT'S NOT LIKE THE NEIGHBORS COMPLAINED!

I SAID SHUT UP!

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch some baseball now and maybe start making some cookies and poking around in the drawers to see if G bought me anything yet and singing some carols and having another nervous breakdown.

ONLY 70 DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS! SAVE YOURSELVES!


(* = "Muffing" is a code word for a popular rude phrase that rhymes with "rubber ducking." You're welcome.)

10.09.2007

Things That Are Sexy Right This Very Minute:

10. Chuck on NBC, Monday nights at 8pm - Because I ♥ Nerds

9. Anybody who beats the Yankees - Bonus points because: Grady Sizemore! Squee!

8. Gossip bloggers who are bitchier than I am - Plus, pink hair! (Sometimes!)

7. High-definition television

6. House on Fox, Tuesday nights at 9pm - Because I ♥ Snarky Bad-Asses

5. Scrapple, sliced thin, and fried until crispy on the outside but still mushy inside - with ketchup

3 (Tie). #26

3 (Tie). #11

2. American sports cars - Mustangs & Corvettes especially

1. Shutouts in the playoffs

Oh! And Matt Damon (note: NOT Tom Brady)!

10.01.2007

I have to admit: I can't believe this is really happening. I can't believe the Phillies actually made the playoffs. I can't believe that they overcame a 7-game deficit since September 12th and actually pulled it off. I can't believe they went 13-4 in the last 17 games to beat the Mets. I can't believe they won the NL East for the first time since I was in college. I can't believe they really did it. And I don't know why.

Despite my own arguments to the contrary, the Phillies are clearly not the worst team in Major League Baseball. Perhaps they are the worst for my health -- I had approximately 15 strokes this weekend, at least 2 heart attacks, 125 apoplectic fits, and countless nightmares, plus I about wrung the skin clean off my hands -- but they are not the absolute worst team. They're not a laughingstock. They may be the losingest team ever, but they're not just the lovable losers anymore. Hell, even the lovable losers are winners sometimes: the Cubs won their division too, didn't they?

It's just so surreal, this NLDS business. I mean, I'm an Eagles fan (not to mention a devout Donovan apologist), but I can honestly say that never, not once, did the Eagles making the playoffs feel so real or so important as this win for the Phillies does. This is weird, historical, legendary, epic-movie-making territory here. Jayson Stark wrote an awesome article for ESPN about this, which is probably better than anything I could have come up with, but which I still think is lacking something.

The awe is there. The facts are definitely correct. And the quotes he uses sure seem to sum up the Phils we all know and love around here (especially the quotes from Jamie Moyer, who made me cry and whom I secretly love a whole really lot and I want to move in with him and be, I ), but it's not ... enough. Not shellshocked enough. Not dazed and confused enough. Not "oh-my-god-am-I-really-seeing-what-I-think-I'm-seeing?" enough. Not Philadelphia enough.

I do know this: the last time I felt like this after a baseball game, the Red Sox won the World Series. It was an unreal, completely bizarre, totally otherworldly experience. And damn, if I don't LOVE IT. Go Phightin' Phils!

(Video NOT used with the express written consent of MLB. Hope they understand.)