10.29.2006

To begin with, I should say that I don't know why I do these things to myself. But, nevertheless, today is a lazy Sunday, and I've finally gotten my Daylight Savings Time hour back, and what am I doing with my extra hour? Spending it online, Googling old classmates and feeling sorry for myself because I am nothing compared to most of them.

I went through this before, about a month ago, when I spotted one of the people I graduated from high school with on an episode of NUMB3RS. And, of course, being the me that I am, I've kind of been obsessing over it since then. Where is everyone else I went to high school with? What are they all doing? Am I the only one who isn't doing anything cool or useful or important with my life?

Not that there is anything wrong with my life, as I have said before. My life is just fine. My husband loves me. My cats love me. My iPod and my TiVo and my VW all love me. Like Warren Zevon before me, I live a quiet normal life. I just guess it's not enough, and I don't know why. There's no reason for it. I'm crazy. Totally batshit insane. And, of course, none of this is anything new. I've always been like this.

Thus, the self-immolation. It's taken me 10 years, since I got out of college and could finally admit to myself that I hated every goddamned minute of it, for me to accept that maybe I am not the ├╝ber-nerd over-achiever that I always thought I would be. And then I find out what everybody else is doing with their lives, and I realize that ... oh my stars, I have done nothing! To wit:
  • My high-school arch-nemesis John Conahan has put out three albums and is working on a new one
  • The Valedictorian of my class, Sonya Smallets, is some kind of fancy-schmancy employment lawyer in San Francisco
  • Annie Ditmars is living in Paris, married to a minister and teaching ballet
  • Apparently Ellyson Stout is working for the U.N., although I can't really tell what she does, but her name is on an important-looking document, so I'm sure she's doing something awesome
  • Ed Tadajweski is a cardiologist
  • Keith Heimbach is a teacher
And what do I do? I suck, pretty much. I live in a house that needs a new kitchen and a new bathroom and a new roof. I have a job that I hate about as often as I love it. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. I have no room left on any credit cards and only about $16 in the bank. I have a Christmas Club, but I needed that money to keep my head above water this month. I have three cats who keep pissing on my furniture. I have ovaries that will not cooperate and let me get pregnant. I have serious doubts that the adoption people like me -- and if they do, I'm pretty much sure that any kids we foster will hate me, too.

All I have left? Is a serious Mountain Dew addiction, a remote control ... and very little hope.


UPDATE 09/05/07 -- Using my Google-fu, I have discovered that Ellyson Stout recently completed her M.S. from Tufts in Health Communication. Not sure if she will ever see this, but CONGRATULATIONS! If you do ever see this, leave me a comment so I can contact you sometime, OK? You're one of a small handful of people who I went to high school with that I would actually want to see again. Lucky you, ha ha.